A Blackthorn Faerie-Tale
by SeeliePrincess19
Summary: This story follows 15-year old Helen Blackthorn who is dealing with her step-mother's sudden death as well as struggling with her sexuality. She slowly takes over her father's job at the Los Angeles Institute while trying to figure out her feelings for a girl and find the one true love. Basically the Prequel to my first story "City of True Love".
1. Chapter 1 - The Beginning

**Hello there!**

**So while I was writing my first story "City of True Love" (which is still in progress) I started growing to really like Helen Blackthorn and I thought about all the things that we know from the actual series by Cassandra Clare had happened to her. Very early Helen had to take on the responsibility for her siblings and the Los Angeles Institute. While doing so she also had to learn that she was probably bisexual and had to deal with those feelings as well.**  
** My story starts when Helen is 15 years old, presumably when her step-mother died. I will try to cover all three years until she meets Aline and maybe later this story will connect to my first one "City of True Love." We'll see!**

**I don't own any of the characters (except the step-mother which existed in the books, but I made up my own version and their tutor Katerina whose character I slightly changed to adjust to my story). They all belong to the amazing Cassandra Clare.**

**Reviews are appreciated! **

**SeeliePrincess19**

* * *

Helen closed the room to her door carefully and started off down the hallways. The shrieks of her siblings filled the air, muffled only through the door that was next to hers, but she didn't bother, not this time.

She buried her hands deep in the pockets of her black pants she was still wearing from the training this morning and wandered the corridors of the second floor. As she passed one of the large windows she remained for a second, staring out on the ocean. Crystal blue water stretched out in front of her and the sky was empty of clouds. The weather was usually nice in Los Angeles, but Helen still appreciated every hour of sun. She liked staying outside on the beach, liked the feel of the warm sand between her toes and the rays of the sun tickling her face. Never would she want to leave this place she called her home.

She continued her path down the corridor. The Institute was eerily quiet. There hadn't been any demonic activities for weeks and Helen guessed that this was a good thing, but she itched to hunt demons again. Her brother Mark and her who were both children to a Shadowhunter and a faerie had been demon hunting together ever since Mark had started his training three years ago. She remembered how excited she'd been when he received his first Mark, although she knew that it would hurt him. Helen had experienced the same pain when the Voyance rune had been placed upon her. It had been a stinging pain, the tip of the stele hot against her skin. She had been warned that receiving someone's first Mark would hurt, but the pain never left. Every time she touched a stele to her skin to draw one of the Angel's rune it hurt due to the Downworlder blood that ran through her veins.

Her father had never pushed her into being a Shadowhunter. He had raised both of them after their mother had left, had cared for them passionately, but he had never forced them to become something they didn't wanted. They had been offered to be trained as Shadowhunters and they had both gladly accepted. Helen never felt as if she had a choice to make; it was clear to her from the beginning that she was one of them, a Nephilim.

Helen lowered her gaze and stared at the Voyance rune, a permanent rune that would adorn the back of her hand for the rest of her life. She had gotten used to the sight of it and usually she didn't even notice it.

She turned the corner and stopped in front of the wide two-winged door that stood open as always. Gazing into the spacious living room she spotted her father sitting by the window, his back to Helen and staring at the beautiful blue sky. He had his arm propped around the shoulder of his wife, Helen's step-mother.

Helen lifted her hand and knocked on the wood of the door frame, not wanting to scare them. Her faerie blood gave her the ability to walk swiftly and nearly motionlessly and sometimes it even startled her own family. Her step-mother, Viviane, turned her head and upon seeing Helen her gray eyes, the color of iron, brightened. Her lips curled into a smile.

"Helen, come sit with us," she offered and Helen crossed the room, taking a seat opposite them obediently. Her father Andrew was smiling at her too, his remarkable blue-green Blackthorn eyes fixed on her. Most of his children had inherited his looks. Julian, Livia and Drusilla had the same tousled dark brown hair he had and they all shared the same eye color, even Helen and Mark who had a different mother. Their hair however was blond as had been their mother's. The only exception was Tiberius, the twin brother of Livia. His hair was the color of black charcoal like Viviane's curls and he was the only one who had inherited the grey of her eyes.

Helen leaned back in the chair, trying to make herself feel comfortable.

"It's a nice day, isn't it?" Viviane said happily. Helen nodded, eyeing her step-mother. She was petite compared to her tall husband and compact. Some would say she was too curvy, but Helen thought she looked beautiful. She always had a smile on her lips and a motherly warmth was radiating from her constantly. Helen had soon grown to love her after her father had introduced Viviane to her and her brother. Although she had never called Viviane her mother she had treated her with the respect one only gave a parent. In return Viviane had loved her and Mark unconditionally, raising them like her own.

One was likely to fall in love with Viviane, Helen thought. There were only a few people who could brighten your day like Viviane did. She was a compassionate mother, one who would always look at you with all the love she had and would make you smile by giving you one of her smiles. Helen had tried to learn as much as possible from Viviane as she could throughout the years, so that one day she would be a mother as great as she was.

Helen's eyes drifted to Viviane's womb which she was stroking absent-mindedly. She was about to give birth to her fifth child soon and although she had experienced pain and sickness during her last pregnancy she almost flared up with energy now.

"Are you alright?" Andrew asked worriedly, snapping Helen out of her reverie.

"Yes, I am," she replied, nodding wildly which made her golden curls bounce. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Anything," Andrew said, smiling at his daughter encouragingly.

Helen took a deep breath and folded her hands in her lap to stop them from trembling. She wasn't afraid of telling them, not really. All her life she had been able to tell them anything and she had never kept any secrets. Her father was an open-hearted man and Viviane had always been very understanding. What scared Helen most was that she had to say the things she had thought about for months out loud which would make it seem more real to her. She had hidden from her feelings, had tried to ignore them, almost bursting under the pressure. Now she wasn't able to contain the chaos that was whirling inside her and she had to tell them. Who else would she talk to?

Helen inhaled deeply, deciding that she would just rip it off like someone might remove a Band-Aid and said, "I think I'm bisexual."

She forced herself to keep her head up and her eyes towards her parents, but a part of her just wanted to run away, to not see their reaction. Both however remained still, mutely returning Helen's gaze. Viviane had a thoughtful look on her face as if she was trying to find the right words. Andrew only smiled at his daughter.

Helen had expected a lot, but this silence was not one of those things. She glared at them impatiently. "Aren't you going to say something?"

"Is there something to say?" Andrew retorted. "We just want you to be happy."

Helen gasped like a fish on the open, unable to speak. She had expected him to say at least something. It somehow made her furious that he didn't. Maybe she should just be happy that he accepted it, but this wasn't the reason she had approached them. She had never doubted for a second that he would approve of it. He didn't like telling his children what to do, but this time Helen had wished it had been different. When she had first started feeling the things she felt when looking at a girl she had been scared, confused, even angry at herself. She wanted it to go away and there was no one else to talk to. She had hoped they would help her figuring out her feelings.

Helen shot them a glance as if to show them how badly she wanted them to say _something_.

"What your father was trying to say," Viviane began, realizing Helen's despair, "is that we are okay with whoever you love as long as it makes you happy. There is nothing wrong about it, Helen. If you think being with a girl is what you want then so be it. Stop wavering over something you can't change anyway."

Helen sighed, relieved that at least Viviane said something that actually helped. "I don't even know if I could love girls, but I noticed that I find them particularly attractive. There is this one girl –" Helen stopped, slightly blushing. She cleared her throat and continued, "I have been daydreaming about her for months the way I had dreamed about boys before. Is this even possible? To love both?"

Helen lowered her gaze, staring at her fingernails. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest and she felt kind of dizzy. It felt weird to finally have said the words out loud.

"Of course it is possible," Viviane said, and Helen's head tilted up. Their gaze met. "Why wouldn't it be? Love isn't a question of gender, but of character. At first we fall in love with what we see on the outside, but in the end it is the character of a person that will let us experience true love and affection."

"Viviane's right," Andrew added. He had his arm still placed around his wife's shoulder, stroking her upper arm slightly with the tips of his fingers. "You shouldn't just concentrate on what you see."

Helen shook her head vehemently. "I know this already. You taught me that, to appreciate the beauty of the inside, the one that was buried deep down in the soul. It doesn't help me now. I am confused."

She raked her hand through her curls frantically, entangling them. "What should I do? I was hoping you could help me."

"Helen, you have to figure this out on your own," Viviane said sadly, "but let me give you some advice: You're only fifteen, you got plenty of time to find your way. Go out, have fun, meet new people and date. If you don't date you will never know."

Helen looked at Viviane and all of sudden felt drained as if all her energy had vanished. "I guess you're right."

"You'll be fine," Viviane said encouragingly. "And you know that you can come to me, to us, anytime you want. We might not be able to help you with your feelings, but we'll do our best to help you with the rest."

Helen's lips curled into a weak smile and she muttered, "Thank you."

"We love you, sweetheart," Andrew said and Helen smiled a bit more. "You'll do great, I am sure of it."

Helen slowly rose of her chair. "Thanks for the talk."

Andrew waved at her dismissively. "No, please, you're welcome at any time."

Helen nodded and crossed the room. She turned around on the threshold to see her father pressing a kiss to his wife's cheek. They stared at each other happily, the look only two people who were in love would share with each other. Helen wished that one day she would find that one person who would look at her that way.

Helen turned and rushed down the hallway, eager to find some company.

* * *

"That's mine! I want it back!"

Seven year old Tiberius was sitting on the floor, his eyes filled with tears and his hands clenched into fists. He shot an angry glance at his five-year old sister Drusilla who had her arms wrapped around his favorite stuffed animal.

"I want to play with it now," Dru retorted, sticking out her tongue.

"But it's his," cried Livia, Ty's twin sister. She reached for the stuffed animal, a bee that looked already worn down, but Drusilla turned away quickly, clutching the bee even tighter to her body.

"No, he has it all the time!"

"Stop! All of you!"

All three of them whirled around as their nine-year old brother Julian leaped up his seat where he had been doodling on a piece of paper. His pen clattered to the floor and he glared at them furiously.

"Could you please stop yelling?" he hissed. He walked over to where Drusilla was sitting and her big blue-green eyes stared at him, scared. Julian bent down on his knees to be on eye-level with his sister and said carefully, "Silla, you know this is Ty's bee, don't you?"

Drusilla stared at him blankly, the grip on the animal still firm.

"She took it from him!" Livvy yelled, and Jules gestured her to be silent. She shut her mouth obediently and sank down next to Ty to comfort him.

"Dru, you can't just take his toys away from him," Jules started a new attempt. "There are enough stuffed animals in this house for all of us. Why would you wan't to take away Ty's?"

Drusilla said nothing, but her lower lip had started to tremble as if she was about to cry. Immediately Jules' expression softened. He couldn't be angry at any of his siblings. He loved them too much, but he felt especially protective over Ty. Every once in a while Jules and Ty would have a fight, because they were too different, but in the end Tiberius was his favourite brother. He loved him and he cared for him deeply. He wouldn't let anyone hurt him, not even one of his sisters.

"Do you think you can give it back to him?" Jules asked carefully. "I promise I'll get you your own."

Drusilla lowered her gaze, staring at the bee longingly. She seemed as if to consider it for a few more seconds until she stood up slowly and handed it back to Ty.

Tiberius' eyes lit up and he almost ripped the bee out of Drusilla's hand. He hugged it tightly, smiling, and he and Livia continued their game. Drusilla collapsed on one of the chairs next to the grate, pouting. Jules eyes followed her sister sadly as the door to his side flung open.

He flinched, not having expected someone to join them, and stared at his half-sister Helen incredulously.

"There you are," Helen sighed, breathing heavy as if she'd been running a marathon.

"Where else would we be?" Julian asked baffled. Helen shrugged, her gaze drifting through the room her father playfully called 'the place of destruction'. It was furnished simple, with a couch and two love seats, a coffee table, a shelf full of books and lots of toys that lay strewn all over the floor. It served as an indoor playground for Helen's younger siblings, but she had spent several hours in here as well, looking after her brothers and sisters while reading a book.

"What happened?" she asked Julian now as her eyes met Drusilla's. The little girl looked shattered, her lower lip protruding and her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"She took away Ty's bee," Julian explained. "I said I would get her a new toy."

Helen smiled. "That's nice of you."

It wasn't the first time that Julian had surprised her. He was pretty mature for his age and she admired him for his lovable, soft character. Julian was an artist. He loved to draw, and he was calm and thoughtful and Helen loved him for that. He was a fighter too. Every time she and Mark trained he begged them to take him in, to teach him how to throw knives and hold a dagger, but he was too young. Helen would then comfort him and tell him that he had to wait only a few more months. The ceremony of his first runing was set to happen right after his tenth birthday, but of course he was too impatient. Helen remembered how she had felt.

Julian eyed his sister sidelong. "Are you okay?"

Helen looked at her brother bewildered. Sometimes she forget that Jules was not only soft, but also sensitive.

"What?" she stammered. "Yes, I am fine."

"Are you sure?" Julian asked. "You look kind of...stressed."

Helen shook her head vehemently. She didn't want him to see that something was indeed bothering her. He didn't need to know about it.

"I...I just feel sorry for Dru," Helen lied and quickly crossed the room to sit down next to her sister, pulling her into her arms. Drusilla instantly relaxed, and Helen brushed a soft kiss on her head.

Again the door flung open and this time it was Helen's younger brother Mark, followed by their tutor Katerina. Helen went rigid, and Drusilla stirred at her body.

"What's going on?" Dru asked confused and followed the gaze of her sister who was staring at the newcomers. Helen tried to hush up the fact that she was blushing and that her heart was pounding wildly in her chest. She also struggled to keep her gaze from Katerina, but she couldn't. She watched the girl approach her, her long black wavy hair swinging behind her back.

Katerina stopped in front of Helen, her eyes locked on the half-faerie. As always there was a firm expression on her face. Helen swallowed against the lump in her throat. Her siblings had stopped whatever they were doing and were looking at her, eyes widened.

"Did...did something happen?" Helen stuttered, her face turning even redder. She knew that everyone would be able to see it and cursed herself for her pale half-faerie skin.

"We got a call," Katerina said dryly. Mark had positioned himself behind his tutor, barely reaching over her shoulder to look at Helen. His eyes were gleaming in excitement and he said, "There are demons in Downtown and we are going to fight them." Only now Helen noticed that both of them were wearing gear and the tip of a bow was protruding over the curve of Mark's shoulder.

"Thank you, Mark. This was supposed to be my sentence," Katerina hissed, glaring at Mark. "Anyways, I asked your father for permission to take you with me and he agreed. Go get your weapons, we have to leave immediately!"

At first Helen was to busy staring at Katerina's almond-shaped eyes, the color of the ocean on a sunny day, and it took her a few seconds to realize that she was talking to her.

"Oh, yes," she said, feeling deeply embarrassed. She pushed Drusilla slightly away from her, her little sister wrapping her hands around Helen's wrist and muttering angrily, "Do you really have to leave?"

"I'll take care of you," Jules interrupted as Helen struggled out of Drusilla's grip. Dru opened her mouth to object, but decided not to as her eyes met with Katerina's strict ones.

"We'll meet outside in five minutes," Katerina said and vanished, Mark on her heels like an obedient puppy. Helen looked back at her brother Jules one last time. He was already busy trying to find a new toy with Drusilla.

Out on the hallway Helen let out a sigh before sprinting down to the weapons room. By the time she reached it her head was spinning and she felt dizzy. She couldn't decide however if it was because she had raced through the corridors of the Institute or because she still felt embarrassed for staring at her tutor like she had.

Helen burst into the weapons room, frantically searching for a bow and arrows, as she was struggling to think straight. She couldn't find what she was looking for, and her eyes started to fill with tears of anger.

"Damn it!" Helen cursed as she cut her finger at a dagger while looking through one of the storage boxes. She dropped to the floor, sucking the blood from the tiny scratch, and felt a hot tear rolling down her cheek.  
She wiped it away angrily, cursing even more. There was no way out of her misery. She had to face it. But why of all people did she have to fall for her tutor?

Helen shook her head to clear her mind and leaped up. She wouldn't hide here like a coward, she would fight. After tucking two daggers and a seraph blade into her weapons belt she left, heading downstairs, and her heart skipped a beat by the thought of Katerina awaiting her.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Raum Demon

**Kt, thank you for your review. I am glad to hear that you enjoy this story as well. I just have to write about Helen! **

**Also thanks to whoever wrote the anonymous review. I am happy that I could gain another fan! :)**

* * *

Helen dashed down the front steps and came to a halt in front of Katerina. Her tutor was eyeing her suspiciously.

"You're late," she said dryly, her jaw set.

"I...I'm sorry," Helen said, gasping for air. After she had retrieved daggers and blades from the weapons room she had rushed back to her bedroom to change into gear and grab her stele. She had ran downstairs as fast as she could; now she was covered in sweat and her hair ruffled her was plastered to her forehead. Helen tucked a coil of gold blond hair behind her ear and asked, "Where are we going?"

"To the Staples Center," Katerina said while pulling out her stele and quickly pressing its tip to Helen's lower arm.

"Ouch," Helen exclaimed, trying to retreat, but Katerina had her grip tight around Helen's wrist.

"You need to be glamoured," Katerina said. "There is a game of the Los Angeles Kings taking place right now."

Katerina finished the rune and put the stele back into her pocket. "Now let's get going. We lost too much time already."

Katerina turned the corner, Mark following her blindly. Helen stared at the rune on her arm, thinking of how it had felt to have Katerina's hands touching her. She shrugged and dashed off to where the others were awaiting her.

A shimmering Portal was set into the stone wall, hidden behind a big palm tree. Mark had already vanished and Katerina rolled her eyes at Helen, clearly annoyed. Helen hastily stepped up to the Portal and disappeared into it, the whirl sucking her in and spitting her out on an entirely new place.

Helen cursed as she dropped to the ground, bruising her elbow. She rolled on her back and the face of her brother appeared above her.

"Are you okay?" Mark asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," she hissed, struggling to her feet. She padded off the dust on her pants as Katerina emerged through the Portal.

"Where are we?" Mark asked, his gaze drifting through the corridor they were in. It looked like an abandoned underground hallway, with grey painted walls and a stone floor. There were now windows and the dim light came from a set of light bulbs, hanging loosely along the ceiling. It smelled like mildew and something dead.

Katerina reached for her witchlight and it flared up at her touch, partly illuminating her face. Her dark, long lashes were casting shadows down her face and for a moment Helen was paralyzed by her beauty. Katerina was part Indonesian which gave her skin a caramel tone and made her face look soft and delicate. Her body was slender, but Katerina didn't look weak. She was strong and fierce, her almond-shaped eyes gleaming with the adrenaline of the oncoming battle that rushed through her body.

Mark had retrieved his witchlight as well and nudged Helen with his elbow. Helen shot him an angry glance before reaching for her own witchlight.

"Stop playing around," Katerina scolded them. "We are underneath the stadium right now. We need to find the staircase."

Katerina started off down the hallway, one hand wrapped around the witchlight and one holding a sensor to detect the demons. Mark and Helen followed, their boots clicking over the smooth stone floor.

Katerina turned her head to shush them and continued her path. Footsteps carried down from the upper floor, people rushing to and fro to find their seats. Helen had always been fascinated by mundanes and how gullible and stupid they were. They lived among malicious creatures like demons, vampires and faeries and didn't even realize they were there. Too busy with their trivial problems they were too blind to see what was happening around them. Only a few mundanes had the Sight and were able to actually see the Shadow World.

Sometimes, however, Helen was even jealous of them. They didn't have to risk their life every day. As a child for a short period of time Helen had wished to be normal, a mundane, but when she had killed her first demon at the age of eleven she knew why she was born a Shadowhunter. It was her destiny; it was what she was supposed to be.

Her first encounter with a demon had only been an unlucky coincidence, nothing she had planned for. He had attacked her out of the blue and she had to defend herself. Since then she had killed dozens of demons, hunting them down and slaying them. So far it had only been minor demons, ones that were easy to kill.

Too lost in her thoughts Helen didn't notice her brother stopping and she bumped right into him.

"Uff." All the air was pressed out of her lungs. Mark whirled around about to snap at her, but Katerina interrupted him.

"I think we don't need to look for the staircase anymore."

Helen tentatively lifter her head and she startled. A few feet ahead of Katerina she could spot two demons in the shadows, their hooting noises causing Helen a shiver down her spine.

Katerina flashed her witchlight at them and Helen was able to see them clearly. They had the size of an elongated human with white, scaled skin. Their bulging black, pupil-less eyes were staring back at Helen, and their slick tentacles were flipping around uncontrollably. Helen recognized that kind of demon immediately, a Raum demon whose most dangerous weapons were his tentacles tipped with poisonous red suckers. The stench of rotted garbage filled the air and Helen had to keep herself from gagging.

Katerina had exchanged her sensor for a kindjal, a double-edged dagger. She was still holding her witchlight as there was no other light source.

"Stay behind!" Katerina yelled. "Raum demons are very dangerous and poisonous; I don't want you to get hurt."

"But -" Mark tried to object, but Katerina had already lunged forward. The first Raum demon lashed at Katerina with one of his tentacle, missing her by inches. Katerina flung her blade, whirling around gracefully, and sliced at the demon. Ichor spit from his wound and the rotten stench got worse.

"We can't just stay here and watch," Helen said alarmed, reaching back over her shoulder for her seraph blade. She drew the weapon, the hilt slippery in her trembling hands. Helen tried to repress the anxiety that was building up inside her, threatening her to faint.

"Katerina told us to," Mark retorted. Helen looked at her brother. Under the locks of his gold blond hair he was paler than ever and his eyes widened in fear.

"We came here to fight," Helen said and added, "There is two of them. She can't kill them both, they will kill her first."

Helen's eyes followed Katerina's movements as the girl ducked to evade a strike of tentacles and lashed out to bury her weapon into the flesh of the demon. The second Raum demon reached for Katerina with his circular mouth, his sharp teeth brushing Katrina's shoulder. The girl was able to pull away before he could embed them into her skin.

Helen's heart leaped and she dashed forward, swinging her blade belligerently. She attacked the first Raum demon, cutting a deep gash into one of his tentacles. The creature growled angrily, his other tentacle wiping around, almost hitting Helen on the head.

Katerina shot Helen a glance, opening her mouth to scream at her, but whirled around instead as the demon attacked her. For a moment Helen was too sidetracked to see that the demon she had wounded was getting back at her, his round mouth greedily lunging for her. Helen stared at the creature in shock, unable to move. She clutched tightly at her blade, but her hands wouldn't work. As the demon came closer, the awful smell of his breath tickling Helen's nose, she shut her eyes hoping she would escape him that way. She steeled herself for the demon to attack when she felt something whooshing by her.  
Tentatively she opened her eyes the moment the tip of an arrow embedded in his chest. Helen flipped her head back and her eyes met with her brother's. Mark was already fixing a second arrow to his bow, his hands shaking during the process. The expression on his face was set and his posture stiff. He still seemed nervous.

Helen staggered to her feet as the demon slumped to the ground.

"It's still alive!" Mark yelled, and Helen lifted her blade, thrusting it into the creature's body. Black ichor sprayed from the wound, covering Helen's arm. It made a gurgling noise, flipping around at Helen's feet and then it vanished.

Helen stared at the spot where the creature had lain, nothing left behind, not even a fleck of his blood. The stench however was still bothering Helen and she felt dizzy, the adrenaline that had shot through her body slowly subsiding. She wavered, almost tripping, and she propped herself up at the wall with one hand.

"Helen, watch out!"

It took her a second to realize that it had been Katerina calling her name. She turned her head slowly, still shaken, and was facing the second Raum demon. He dashed forward, both of his tentacles lashing for her. Helen tightened the grip on her blade, but before she could bury the weapon in the creature's body something hit her from the side and she dropped to the floor. As she hit the wall with her head she lost hold on the hilt of her blade and it slid over the stone floor.

Her eyes darted up and she saw Katerina who had taken her place. There had been no time for Katerina to avert the demon's blow and his tentacle hit her at the shoulder, his suckers clinging to her skin. A cry escaped Katerina's throat and she wiggled her wrist, thrusting her kindjal into the demon's heart.

The creature growled and let go of Katerina. It staggered backwards and vanished like his companion had.

Katerina sunk to the ground, her left hand pressed to her wound. Helen crawled up to her, her feet still too wobbly to walk; Mark dropped to his knees next to Katerina.

Katerina had her eyes squeezed shut; her pale face was contorted with pain. Blood was welling through her fingers.

"We need to get you back," Mark said terrified. "You will die."

Again Helen had to steady herself, leaning against the wall. This was all her fault. She had disregarded her tutor's order to stay out of the way. Helen stared blankly at her brother as he helped Katerina up.

"How are we going to get back?" Mark ask, panic coloring his voice.

"If no one of you is skilled enough to draw a Portal then we will have to take the bus," Katerina muttered. Her face was shining with sweat and she had started to shiver. Helen and Mark fell silent, knowing that no one except warlocks could open a Portal or build permanent ones like the one they had come through, and Katerina said, "I thought so."

Somehow they managed to find their way out of the underground maze. The game was now in full swing and the stadium was filled with the laughter and bawling of the visitors. They tumbled outside, Katerina slowly losing her consciousness.

Helen blinked at the bright sun, trying to find the bus stop. As always the weather was nice and hot in Los Angeles, the heat pressing down on them. The place in front of the stadium was crowded with people who were strolling along Downtown, enjoying their Saturday afternoon.

Luckily the bus was just pulling up at the curb and Helen dashed forward, knowing that the bus driver wouldn't wait for them as he couldn't see them. He was about to close the doors when Mark tumbled into the vehicle, dragging Katerina in with him. He carefully placed Katerina on an empty seat. Her eyelids fluttered, but other than that she was motionless.

"I'm screwed," Helen muttered. "Dad will never allow me to go demon hunting again."

Her eyes met Mark's, the same color of blue-green. Although he looked worried too he tried to comfort her, "He won't punish you. It wasn't your fault; we were just trying to help. Don't worry."

They spent the rest of the drive in silence and Helen never took her eyes off Katerina, not even for a second.

* * *

"What happened?" Andrew asked, his eyes darting to Katerina who was lying on one of the beds in the infirmary, covered by sheets and a Silent Brother bending over her.

"It was an accident," Helen said nervously. "I...I didn't see the Raum demon attacking me and she saved me. She took the blow for me."

"Is this true, Mark?" her father asked and her brother nodded hastily. Helen had her head lowered, not wanting to face her father. She had never seen him angry and she didn't want to see him now.

Andrew sighed. "I'm so glad you're not hurt."

Helen startled and her head shot up. "What? You're not mad?"

Helen gazed at her father. He looked as always, a weak smile playing at the curve of his mouth.

"Of course not," he said. "I allowed you to go. If this is anyone's fault then it's mine. Although I wish you had listened to your tutor."

Helen glanced at her brother sidelong and he gave her an apologetic look. He had given in under his father's questioning and had told him that they had been supposed to stay away from the demons.

"Well, what's done is done," Andrew said. "We can only hope that Katerina will recover."

Helen was crestfallen. If anything happened to Katerina she would blame herself even though her father had said it was his fault. She knew it wasn't true, because she was the one who had been too blind to see the demon attacking her. Katerina had risked her life for her.

Helen flinched as she heard the voice of the Silent Brother in her head. _  
She will recover. It was only a small amount of poison that made it into her system. _The Silent Brother approached them, his parchment robe rustling at his movements.

"Thank you, Brother Enoch," Andrew said and the Brother nodded mutely. He vanished, taking with him the chill he had caused Helen. The presence of Silence Brothers was always discomforting.

"Can I talk to her now?" Helen begged her father.

"I'm afraid she is still unconscious," Andrew sad sadly but added quickly, "but I think it's okay if you sit with her. She can use some company."

Helen nodded and took a deep breath before turning towards the bed Katerina was sleeping in. She approached the girl, hypnotized by her, and she didn't even notice that her father and brother left. She sank down on the chair next to the bed and her heart skipped a beat as she saw the blood that had seeped through the bandage at Katerina's shoulder. Nausea overwhelmed her and she pressed her hand to her belly. Only now she noticed that she hadn't had any food after training this morning. She had gone straight to her parents. Her stomach gave a desperate sound of hunger, clenching together in a knot.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. Maybe Katerina couldn't hear her, but there was still a chance that she might would. Helen needed to tell her how bad she felt for what she'd done.

"I should have listened to you," Helen admitted and tears were stinging the back of her eyes. She forced them back, grabbing a piece of the blanket and knitting it restlessly. She waited until the anger had subsided and leaned back in the chair, her gaze firmly on the sleeping Katerina.

Even now, lying on that bed and paled through her injury, Katerina looked beautiful. The curve of her mouth was exquisite, her cheekbones delicate. Katerina wasn't the first girl Helen had considered lovely to look at. She had recognized other girls before, had admired their eyes or their hair or the way their body had moved. Katerina however was the first Helen was staring at when she didn't look, the first one she truly felt attracted too. Helen liked boys too. She had kissed them before and she had liked it, but she hadn't been in love with any of them. But as she was looking at Katerina, her pretty face framed by her dark coils of hair, Helen thought that this time she might be able to fall in love.


	3. Chapter 3 - The Pain of Rejection

Helen ducked as a piece of cauliflower came flying her way.  
"Drusilla! Will you please stop that?" she exclaimed frustrated, trying to calm down her younger sister.

"I hate cauliflower!" Drusilla cried and pouted, glaring at Helen.

"But that's no reason to throw it at me," Helen retorted angrily.

Livia and Tiberius giggled and Helen shot them a glance. "Eat your vegetables," she ordered, but they didn't seem to listen. Livia was pulling faces which Ty found particularly funny.

Helen sighed in exasperation, returning her attention to Drusilla who was still pouting.

"Dru, please," Helen begged. "You don't need to eat the cauliflower, but could you please at least eat the carrots?"

Drusilla shook her head vehemently, her pigtails swinging in her movements. Helen snorted and buried her face in her hands.

"Having trouble to feed Drusilla her vitamins?"

Helen peered through her fingers at her step-mother. Viviane smiled at her encouragingly and took the seat next to her, breathing heavy under the weight of her belly.

"She won't eat her meal," Helen sighed.

Viviane nodded and turned to face her daughter. "Drusilla, sweetheart, why are you giving your big sister such a hard time? All she wants for you is to be healthy and eat your vegetables. Don't you want to grow strong and tall as her?"

Drusilla looked at her mother with big eyes. "I want to grow strong." Her lower lip was trembling.

"Well, then you will have to eat your cauliflower like Helen did when she was your age," her mother said sternly, "or otherwise you will stay small like this."

Drusilla stared at her in panic and hastily reached for her fork to pop a cauliflower in her mouth.

"So this is how you do it?" Helen asked skeptically. "Scare them to death?"

Viviane chuckled, one hand gently stroking her belly. "I have enough practice in getting them to eat their vegetables."

"I'll be a lousy mother," Helen said sounding desperate.

"No, you won't," Viviane retorted. "You'll be a great mother. Someone who has as many siblings as you have can only become great with kids, and family has always been important to you."

"I guess you're right," Helen admitted, watching Drusilla who was now nearly devouring her meal. Livia and Tiberius had completely neglected theirs, but at least they had eaten half of it. Now they were out on the deck, Livia pointing out a seagull sailing through the air.

"How's Katerina?" Viviane asked. By the sound of her tutor's name Helen had to keep herself from flinching. It had been three days since they went out to the Staples Center and Katerina had got hurt by a poisonous Raum demon. For the first two days she had been unconscious, but Helen's father Andrew had told her yesterday that she was awake and well. Helen hadn't been able yet to force herself to go look after Katerina. She still felt guilty and embarrassed.

"She's fine," Helen muttered.

"Aren't you going to see her?" Viviane asked, her eyebrows drawn together in concern. "You should. She'll be happy to see you."

Helen shook her head. "No, she won't. It's my fault that she got hurt. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't be lying in that bed right now."

"Helen, it's not your fault," Viviane said, patting Helen's hand lightly with her own. "She knew what she was up to when she left with you and Mark."

Helen said nothing, swallowing the awful taste that had built up in her mouth as she thought of the demon attacking Katerina.

"You should go talk to her," Viviane urged. "I'm sure she is not mad at you for what had happened."

Helen's eyes drifted to the large window front that faced the ocean. As always the weather was clear and the water crystal blue. A soft breeze rushed in through the open door, playfully lifting Helen's curls. She could smell the ocean and the wet sand and longed for a walk on the beach.

"Honey, you know I'm right," Viviane said, and Helen had to suppress a giggle. Her step-mother always hit the right spot.

Helen leaped up her seat, casting one wistful look back at the ocean, and left the kitchen. She made her way swiftly down to the infirmary and was surprised to find Katerina sitting in an upright position in her bed. She was dressed in a light, white nightgown and the bandage at her shoulder was showing through the thin fabric. The color had returned to her cheeks and her eyes were gleaming with energy like they usually did. She was in a deep conversation with Mark who sat on a chair by her bed.

Helen hesitated, thinking about leaving, but she was stopped by her brother.

"Hey, Helen," he said, waving at her eagerly. Immediately Katerina whirled around to look at Helen. She didn't seem surprised or mad, her expression was neutral.

"Helen, please join us," Katerina said calmly and Helen slowly approached them, taking the seat next to Mark.

"We were just talking about you," Mark grinned and Helen blushed.

"Why?" she asked nervously.

Mark said nothing, but continued his smirk.

"You were brave," Katerina said. Helen stared at her tutor, taken aback. She had expected her to shout or else, but not to compliment her.

"Don't look so shocked," Katerina said, smiling. "I mean what I said. I have seen a lot of Shadowhunters your age while I was travelling Europe, but none of them were as brave and fierce as you were. Your brother surprised me too."

At that Mark's chest swelled with pride and his lips curled into a broad grin.

"But...," Helen stammered, "you got hurt because of me."

"Oh, silly," Katerina said, shaking her head. It was odd seeing Katerina in such a good mood. Usually her tutor was an earnest person who barely laughed. Her job had always seemed too important to her and she was determined in training Helen and Mark to become great Shadowhunters. Nothing would keep her from doing that.

Helen was still staring at Katerina, her mouth partly opened.

"Shadowhunters of your age with that little amount of training you have wouldn't just go off at a Raum demon," Katerina explained. "They are one of the most dangerous creatures because of their poison which you see is indeed pretty nasty."

Helen was unable to speak and she followed the movements of Katerina's lips as the girl rose her voice again, "I know you have killed other demons before, but it were minor ones. Those demons were serious stuff. You were brave to go against my order and attack them anyway."

Helen looked at her baffled. "But...I got you hurt!"

"It wasn't your fault," Katerina said and added before Helen could interject, "I was fighting the Raum demon when he escaped and attacked you. I should have paid more attention."

"It's not your fault," Helen retorted frustrated. "It is mine. What I did wasn't brave it was stupid."

Tears of anger were stinging her eyes, but she pushed them back angrily. She held her gaze sternly on the window behind Katerina where she could see the crystal blue ocean stretched out. She couldn't bear looking at her tutor any longer.

"Maybe you can give us a minute?" she heard Katerina say and then she caught a glimpse of her brother Mark leaving.

"Helen, will you please look at me?" Katerina said once they were alone, but Helen kept her eyes on the window. "I taught you to be brave. I want you to be proud of yourself for fighting that demon, but instead you're wavering about it. But why? I am fine, Helen. You don't have to worry about me and you really don't have to blame yourself."

Helen said nothing, still avoiding Katerina's gaze. Katerina sighed and shifted in her bed, leaning in on Helen.

"Would you please look at me and tell me what's bothering you?" Katerina begged. The half-faerie lifted her head hesitantly and found herself almost nose to nose with Katerina. Her heart skipped a beat. This close she could see every tiny freckle on Katerina's cheeks. The reflection of the light streaming through the windows made her eyes gleam, and Helen thought she would faint.

Katerina must have sensed Helen's apprehension as she retreated a few inches. Their eyes were still locked and neither of the girls seemed willing to give in.

"Either you tell me what's going on with you or I'll ask your brother," Katerina threatened and Helen blinked at her in disbelieve.

"Why would you do that?" she said bewildered.

"Because I want to know what's going on and if you're not going to tell me..." She left the sentence unfinished, her gaze fixed sternly on Helen.

Helen startled and swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

"I...I...," she stammered, but the words wouldn't come out. Katerina kept her eyes steady on Helen.

Helen bit down on her lip. As a child she had learned that it was always best if you were honest. Lies would only complicate your life and make things worse. She inhaled deeply, steeling herself for saying the truth.

"I... I do blame myself for what had happened," Helen said. Katerina opened her mouth to object, but Helen stopped her.

"I am worried about you, because -" she paused. Her heart was pounding achingly in her chest and she closed her eyes, too afraid to see Katerina's reaction. "Because I really like you."

Her eyes flew open. She let out a sigh of relief and collapsed back in her chair. Panic started rising up her throat as she saw the shock on Katerina's face.

"What have I done?" she muttered, but Katerina didn't hear her. Her tutor continued staring at Helen in disbelieve, her crystal-blue eyes widened. Never before had Helen seen her loose her composure as well her capability of words. Katerina had always something cocky to say, but now she was gasping for words in vain.

"I am sorry," Helen mumbled, but this time Katerina heard her.

"What do you mean, you like me?" Katerina asked baffled. "Isn't it a good thing that you like me? After all I'm your tutor."

"I think I might like you too much," Helen admitted and she felt her cheeks turn red-hot as she blushed. She forced herself to keep looking at Katerina, but her tutor's expression was unreadable. She could tell that Katerina was gritting her teeth, but her eyes were blank.

"I am sorry," Helen repeated and shifted on her seat as if to get up.

"No, please don't apologize," Katerina said quickly and Helen stayed put on her chair. Helen eyed her tutor anxiously, waiting for her to continue talking.

"Helen, I am really flattered," Katerina said carefully, "but you know that this can't happen. There is more than one reason why you can't feel that way about me."

Helen felt as if a bucket of hot water had been emptied above her head and the steaming liquid was now burning her skin. For a second there was a piercing noise in her ears that made it unable for her to hear anything and her vision blurred slightly. She clung to the armrest with both hands to steady herself; the nausea overwhelming her made her feel dizzy.

"Helen, this would be against the Law," Katerina said once Helen had finally regained her hearing. "You're a minor and I am six years older than you are. Most importantly I am your tutor."

Helen said nothing, too embarrassed to talk.

"You do understand that, right?" Katerina asked, her eyes pleading. She seemed deeply distressed.

"So does this mean," Helen said hesitantly, "that you like me too? The only thing you worry about is the Law, isn't it?"

Katerina looked taken aback. "No, I..." She broke off and her blue eyes drifted to the wall opposite her, trying to avoid Helen.

"I think you should leave now," she said dryly.

Helen opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again. By the look on Katerina's face she could tell that it would be better for her to stay quiet and leave. Tentatively she got up her chair and crossed the infirmary. She remained on the threshold for a second, looking back on Katerina, but her tutor had already turned away from her.

With a sigh Helen left the room and sprinted down the hallway. Luckily she didn't meet any of her siblings; they were all playing out in the sun. She didn't want any of them to see her in despair.  
She burst into her bedroom and dropped down on her bed, burying her face in the pillow. The tears that had threatened her eyes before were now gone. Helen wasn't a person who cried much. Instead she clenched her hands into fists and punched her pillow. Her head was spinning with all kind of emotions. She was shattered, heart-broken, hurt and, above all, ashamed. Hatred started boiling inside her, tightening her chest. Most of all she hated herself. She should have just kept her mouth shut. Telling Katerina how she felt was the stupidest thing she'd done so far. How could she have believed that her tutor would return the feelings?

Helen rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling, fascinated by the play of light and shadow. The constant whooshing sound of the waves breaking underneath her window calmed her down, although she couldn't keep her mind off Katerina. Her tutor had been right. A relationship between them was forbidden by Law for so many reasons, but Helen couldn't shake the image of Katerina as she had asked her if she liked her too. She had been reluctant, but she hadn't denied it.

No, it can't be, Helen told herself. She had to stop thinking about Katerina.

If it was that simple, Helen thought and raked her hands desperately through her hair.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Beauty of Life

**Finally I am done with this chapter. Don't know why, but it took me several days to write...**

**Kt, I want to thank you for your review. My girlfriend laughed so hard, and I think she would still be making fun of me if I hadn't pointed out that it was her fault, too. Back then she was still my Beta reader, but how can I blame her? She's not a native speaker either! So thank you for taking your time and telling me that. I changed it in the last chapter and I'll never make that mistake again!**

* * *

Helen inhaled deeply, taking in the salty scent of the ocean. A soft breeze whirled up the sand on the beach, and the warmth of the sun tickled her skin. Helen had her eyes closed, and the constant whooshing sound of the breaking waves lulled her into a light sleep. For a moment she was able to forget everything surrounding her and her mind drifted off. She felt her body relax in the heat of the sun, and she rolled over, propping her head on one arm.

She could hear someone plunging into the waves, chuckling. It was a familiar sound to Helen, but it still took her another second to realize whom it was coming from. Her eyes flung open, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.

"Dru, no!" Helen called out in exasperation and immediately leaped up her chair, almost knocking over Jules who had been sitting next to her. She ignored her furiously cursing brother and dashed off to safe her sister from drowning. Her sleepiness had vanished the moment she had seen her sister in the water and now every nerve in her body was on fire, ready to do whatever was necessary.

"What were you thinking?" she said while wrapping her arms around Drusilla and lifting her up. Helen's heart was racing, panic-stricken, and she clutched at her sister as if afraid that the waves would come back to take her from her. Drusilla's pupils were widened and she stared at her sister in disbelieve.

"You're mean. I wanted to play with the fish," she said, her lower lip protruding defiantly. Helen dropped her on the bath towel that lay spread out on the sand next to the chair Jules was sitting on. He watched his sisters, playing with a bottle of sun cream while Helen bundled Drusilla up in another towel.

"You know you can't swim," Helen scolded her younger sister. "You scared me to death!"

"But-" Drusilla wanted to object, but Helen cut her off. "No, you know that you can't just plunge into the waves. It's too dangerous, and you are too young."

Drusilla's chin was now trembling and tears were threatening her eyes. "But...but they look so beautiful. I want one. "

"Well, you can't have them," Helen said as calmly as possible; she was boiling on the inside. If something had happened to her sister it would have been her fault and she couldn't take that, not now.

"They wouldn't survive if you'd take them out of the ocean," Helen said, and Drusilla buried her head in her hands, whimpering.

"Dru, please," Helen begged and pulled Drusilla up into her arms, comforting her. She hated to see her cry, but Drusilla would whine about a lot of things. She was as soft and sensitive as her brother Jules, but lacked his confidence and courage. Helen sometimes feared that she was too gentle to become a Shadowhunter one day, but that was nothing to worry about now. They would have to deal with that later.

"I'm sorry, Silla," Helen whispered, brushing a kiss on top of her sister's head. After her attempt to catch a fish in the water her hair was wet and tasted salty. Despite being wrapped into a towel Drusilla shivered in Helen's arms and her lips turned purple.

The water must have been freezing, Helen thought. It was a rather cold day in late summer, and three weeks had passed since the hot day on which Katerina had been injured. The first week after that Helen's tutor had stayed at the Institute's infirmary, but had then been released and granted a two week vacation to recover. Helen hadn't seen her since their talk they'd had and she had longed to apologize to her. She still felt embarrassed about what she'd said and had punished herself by not thinking of Katerina. The way Katerina had looked at her still hurt Helen like a thousand needles to her skin.

"Helen, I think I need your help."

Helen's head flipped back immediately and her eyes met Jules's. He was on his feet, his posture stiff. She followed his gaze, and she bit down on her lip to hold back a cry. Helen leaped up, completely forgetting about Drusilla who yelped in surprise, and ran for the twins. She almost fell halfway up to them, the warm sand unsteady under her bare feet, and dropped down next to Tiberius who stared at her with big eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked and Helen had to keep herself from yelling at him. She knew he wouldn't understand the mistake he was about to make. Helen looked at the jellyfish that had been washed ashore and lay motionless in the sand. Tiberius had his arm still stretched out, about to touch one of the tentacles. Livia was bending over the creature, staring at it both in disgust and curiosity.

"Touch it!" she urged her twin brother. Helen's hand shot out reflexively, and she grabbed Tiberius tightly by the wrist.

"Don't you dare," she hissed at him, and Ty flinched. Helen shot a glance at Livia, her grip still firmly on Tiberius. "You don't need to encourage him. You know perfectly well that these are poisonous."

Livia collapsed on the sand and blinked at her sister, her mouth partly open.

"It was my idea," Tiberius said defensively, trying in vain to wiggle his wrist out of Helen's hand.

"No, Ty, don't," Livvy interjected. "It was my fault. I forgot they were dangerous."

"How can you forget that?" Helen asked furiously. "Everyone knows that!" She tried to control her temper, she really did, but her siblings seemed to conspire against her.

Livia's eyes narrowed on Helen and she crawled up to Ty, snatching his wrist out of Helen's grip.

"It was a mistake," she snapped, pulling Tiberius into a tight hug. "I would never let anything happen to him."

"I know you won't," Helen sighed. Livia glared at her angrily, her arms wrapped protectively around Tiberius, and said, "So leave us alone. Would you?"

Helen was taken aback for a moment, but then she slowly got to her feet, her eyes till fixed on the twins. Livia had turned her back on Helen and was now talking to Tiberius in a low voice. Helen retreated, her head spinning. She'd always known that Livia didn't like to be put in place, but she had never been disrespectful to her parents or Helen. Why snap at her now?

"Are you okay?" Jules asked worriedly as Helen sank down on the chair she had been sitting on before preventing Drusilla from drowning. She nodded absent-mindedly, watching Livia and Tiberius as they plunged back into the waves. Jules cast a glance at Drusilla who was curled up into the towel, her eyes closed, and he leaned in on Helen.

"I know you're lying," he whispered, his breath tickling Helen's cheek.

"I'm not," Helen retorted, but she felt her face blush and hastily added, "I'm fine, Jules. Everything is just fine."

"Really?" he asked skeptically. "It didn't look like everything was fine."

"Why would you say that?" she asked, her eyebrows drawn together in concern.

"Well, you did scream at Livia," he said carefully, "and I think you really scared her. I've never seen her scared before. I didn't even know what it looked like. Now I do."

"I didn't -" Helen said, but broke off, realizing with shock that the words she had said had come out more harshly than she'd indented to. She lowered her head, to ashamed to look at her own brother.

"Helen, why don't you tell me what's going on with you?" Jules asked, and Helen tilted her head to look at him. A weak smile crossed his face and his blue-green eyes stared back at Helen. His dark brown hair was ruffled, the tips still wet from his swim. He was wearing green shorts that emphasized the color of his eyes, and Helen couldn't help but notice how much he had grown. He was still way shorter than she was, but his body was slender and not chubby like it used to be. His skin was slightly tanned and unmarked; soon he would receive his first rune and start his training. Helen wished for that day to never come. She knew that he was skilled enough to become one of the best Shadowhunters, but she didn't want him too. She wanted him to stay the cute boy he was, but he was already showing traits of growing up. He was caring and he would always sense if something was wrong with her. Helen had to hold back a smile, thinking that one day a girl would fall in love with him for all the reasons Helen loved him.

"You're not answering me," Jules said slightly upset. "Please, you know you can talk to me."

Helen knew she could, but she didn't want to burden him with it. He was just a boy.

"I know," she said, "but this is nothing you should worry about. You are too young."

Jules rolled his eyes at Helen and snorted, "People keep saying that. I'll soon turn ten. I'm not a baby anymore."

A grin spread across Helen's face. "Oh, you'll always be my baby." She leaned over to ruffle his hair and Jules cried out angrily.

"Stop that!"

Helen chuckled. "You need a haircut."

"And you're just trying to distract me," he hissed, but he couldn't keep his lips from curling into a smirk. "Fine. If you don't want to tell me what's bothering you…"

He never got to finish the sentence. For the third time since they arrived at the beach Helen jumped to her feet to run for one of her siblings. This time it was her brother Mark. He looked distraught as he swiftly crossed the space separating them, and he came to a halt in front of Helen.

"What happened?" she inquired and Mark said breathlessly, pressing his flat hand to his chest, "It's… it's Viviane." He broke off, gasping for air.

Panic rose up Helen's throat and she asked alarmed, "Is it the baby?" Out of the corner of her eye she could see Jules running up to them, Drusilla by his hand. Their faces were flushed and Jules looked worried.

"Mark, what is it?" Helen urged. She didn't want her siblings to hear what she thought Mark would say. The image of Drusilla's birth was still clear in her head, Viviane pale as a ghost and her breath rattling, the sound of broken clockwork.

"She just went into labor," Mark said. His face was shining with sweat and he impatiently wiped his forehead with the hem of his shirt. "An hour ago she had started to have a fever and Dad wanted to bring her to a hospital, but it was too late. He called upon the Silent Brothers and told me to get you."

Helen's mouth opened, but the words wouldn't come out. She whirled around as she heard her sibling's footsteps on the sand and tried to put on a smile.

"What's wrong?" Jules asked immediately. Drusilla by his side looked frightened and she was desperately clutching at her older brother's hand. "Is Mommy alright?" she asked, and Helen had to bite down on her lip. She forced a smile on her face, kneeled down to be on eye-level with her sister and said, "Dru, your Mommy is going to be just fine. She's having a baby. You're going to have a baby sister or brother."

"Really?" Drusilla asked, her eyes gleaming with joy. Helen knew exactly how to cheer her sister up, but she had no idea how she could hide the fact that Viviane was not at all well once they reached the Institute. She would worry about that later.

"Stay with Mark," Helen said and Drusilla nodded obediently. "Jules, would you help me get the twins?" Julian's eyes darted from Mark to Helen, a silent question, but when no one answered he gave a sigh and followed his sister back to where they had lain.

"Will you please tell me what happened?" Jules snapped once he caught up with his sister. He hated that she was so much faster than he was, but he knew one day he would beat her. All he needed was to grow a bit more.

"Jules, please," Helen begged. She reached for the first bath towel, folded it carelessly and packed it into the bag they had brought with them. "You are-"

"I'm not too young," he hissed. "I can handle it."

Helen grabbed another towel as well as the sun cream bottle Julian had been playing with.

"You're nine years old," Helen said. "I don't want you to worry."

Julian snatched the bottle of water she wanted to put away out of her hand and Helen stared at her brother, baffled. He had his fingers tightly wrapped around the bottle and the skin on his knuckles turned white.

"You worry all the time too. Remember last time Mum had a baby?" he snapped. "Well, I was only four years old, but I still remember part of it. Helen, if something is wrong with her I need to know. I need to..."

"What?" Helen retorted sourly. "Protect her?"

Jules nodded fiercely, his eyes steady on his sister. Helen stopped for a second and stared back at Jules, gritting her teeth.

"This family really needs to stop being so protective," Helen sighed. She carefully placed a hand on Julian's shoulder and lowered her head. They were almost nose to nose.

"You've grown so much, Jules," Helen said sadly, "and I really don't like it. I wish you could just stay my baby boy, and sometimes you still act like a little child, but you worry about your family the way only an adult would. I love you so much."

She pulled him into a quick hug and when she released him she said, "Please, get Ty and Livvy. Your Mum has a fever and if something happens to her you all should have the chance to see her for a last time."

Helen turned to pick up the last item to put into the bag, but before doing so she caught another glimpse at Julian. The look on his face was devastating. She could see that he was trying not to show the fear he felt for his mother, and she watched him crestfallen as he walked over to their siblings.

* * *

"Wait out here," Helen said. Jules opened his mouth to object, but she cut him off. "I'll be right back. Mark will take care of you."

She exchanged one quick look with her brother Mark and dashed off down the hallway, glancing over her shoulder to make sure none of her siblings were following here. She didn't know what she was about to find, but she surely didn't want them to see their mother in pain.

Although it was already late afternoon heat was pressing down on Helen and by the time she reached the infirmary she was covered in sweat. She burst into the room, not caring about the noise she made, and stopped dead in her tracks by the sight of a dozen Silent Brothers gathered around a bed. Among the robed figures she could spot her father Andrew, his face was flushed and his hair in disarray. Upon seeing his daughter he broke away from the crowd and hastily walked over to her.

"Helen, where are the kids?" he asked, panic-stricken. He was breathing heavily and his hands were slightly trembling. It scared Helen seeing her father like this. She remembered the day Drusilla was born. Back then Viviane had suffered from fever after giving birth to Helen's sister and her father had been so worried he hadn't eaten for days. He had sat by Viviane's bed, Drusilla bundled up and propped in his arms, and had watched his wife sleep. One of the Silent Brothers had constantly been at their side, but no one could explain Viviane's illness.

"They are with Mark," Helen said and her father seemed to relax a little. However, his eyes darted restlessly back to where Viviane was lying and when his gaze met Helen's again the expression on his face was tensed.

"They better stay with him. I don't want them to see their mother like this," Andrew said.

"How is she?" Helen asked. "Can I see her?"

Andrew nodded mutely and took his daughter by the hand to lead her over to Viviane's bed. The Silent Brothers were gathered closely around Viviane and Helen had to stand on her tiptoes to get a look at her. The moment Helen saw Viviane, pale against the white sheets, she arched her back up and a heart-rending cry escaped her throat. Tears were spilling down her cheeks and she clutched at her sheets, digging her nails deep into the fabric. Helen flinched as another cry tore through the air.

One of the Silent Brothers pulled away from Viviane and Helen could see the rune he had just put on Viviane's arm, red against her white skin. She recognized it as a rune for strength. Viviane tossed around in bed, whimpering, as the Silent Brothers slowly retreated.

_The baby is coming, _said one of the Silent Brothers. Helen knew his voice, but she couldn't think of his name. She watched them thunderstruck as they withdrew; half of them left the room, the other half stayed at the back of the infirmary. A woman with dark curly hair, dressed in white like a nurse, hurried up to where Viviane was still lying, and Helen wondered how she couldn't have noticed her before.

Helen stepped up to Viviane's bed and startled as the nurse pressed a wet towel in her hands.

"Place this on her forehead. It will lower her fever," the woman said, frantically rummaging through the nightstand that stood next to the bed. She retrieved a pair of gloves, put them on hastily and reached for a dry towel.

"You better hold her hand," the nurse said and it took Andrew a moment to realize she was talking to him. Tentatively he stepped up to the bed, next to where Helen was patting Viviane's sweaty face with the towel, and reached for his wife's hand. Viviane cried out, her fingers wrapping tightly around Andrews wrist, and for the first time since Helen had arrived her eyes flung open. Helen had to keep herself from gasping for air, as her eyes met Viviane's, full of pain and agony. Helen was shocked to see her like that. Viviane had always been a strong, cheerful person, but now she was weak and her smile had long faded.

"You need to press _now_," the nurse urged. She had sat herself on a chair at the far end of the bed, both of her hands placed on Viviane's knees.

"I...I can't," Viviane whispered, her voice crackly. Her lips were dried out and her dark coils plastered to her wet face, curling even more at the nape of her neck. The thin nightgown she was wearing was now drenched in sweat and nearly transparent, her runes showing through the fabric.

"You have to," the nurse said, and Viviane gave another cry, her eyelids fluttering. Helen heard her father wince as Viviane buried her nails in his skin, and then Andrew whispered, "Vivi, I love you."  
He leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his wife's cheek. Viviane screamed and then gritted her teeth, her knuckles turning white as she tightened her grip on Andrew. Another whimpering sound escaped his throat.

Helen was still too taken aback by the way Viviane had looked at her and she had completely forgotten about the wet towel she was holding on to. Hesitantly she lowered her hand and wiped away the sweat on Viviane's forehead. The woman arched up once more, her face contorted with pain, and she cried. It was a long, terrible noise, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Andrew had started to scream as well, probably because Viviane's grip was so tight on his hand that it hurt him too.

Helen forced herself to look at Viviane's face; looking somewhere else might have given her a picture she would never forget.

"We're almost there," the nurse said, and again Viviane cried out. All of a sudden she fell silent and collapsed back on her sheets. Helen blinked at her, confused.

"What-" she was about to ask, but then she saw the expression on her father's face. His eyes were gleaming and he pulled away from Viviane, slowly approaching the nurse. Helen turned and her lips parted in surprise as she saw the woman holding the baby, wrapped into a blanket. It gave a squeaking sound followed by a cry. Andrew smiled at the nurse, one hand tentatively reaching for his child, and the woman said brightly, "Congratulations, it's a boy."

A low chuckle escaped Andrew's throat and his eyes filled with tears. He held his hands out and the nurse carefully placed the baby in his arms. He walked back to Viviane, his eyes never leaving the baby, and leaned in on his wife. Viviane looked ghostly, but the moment she saw her boy a weak smile crossed her face.

"My Octavian," she whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Andrew and Viviane gazed at the newborn, both smiling broadly. Helen stood motionless, still clutching the towel in her hands, and stared at them. She was close to tears as well, but it was tears of joy. A few minutes ago the room had been filled with Silent Brothers and everyone had been worried about Viviane who had been close to unconsciousness. The little boy, however, had seemed to change all that and had taken away Viviane's pain. Helen remembered the way Viviane had looked when she had shown her Drusilla for the first time. It had been the same look of love she had on her face after she had given birth to Julian and the twins. Only a mother could have that look and experience the joy bearing a child gave you. Nothing was as beautiful as this moment.

Helen wiped away a tear that found its way down her cheek, placed the towel in a bowl the nurse held out to her and turned around to leave. The Silent Brothers were already gathering around the newborn and its proud parents.


	5. Chapter 5 - The Unrequited Love

**Thank you, Kt, for your review. Yes, there is definitely a sad chapter coming up.**

**In the meantime I have to announce that I will put this story on hold FOR NOW. I am really enjoying writing about the Blackthorns, but I can't do two stories at a time. I thought I could, but I can't. I need to concentrate on the other one for now, so I can finish it the way I've always planned. **

**To the followers of this story and those who might start reading while it's on hold, I say, please be patient with me. I will be continuing this story once the other one is finished. Thank you!**

**P.S: I apologize up front for the cliff hanger I'm leaving you with!**

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"He's so adorable," Helen said, looking down at Tavvy who was bundled up in a blanket in her arms. Viviane had handed him to Helen with a heavy heart, but she was still too weak to hold him all the time. Helen had walked her from the infirmary to the living room where she had settled down on the love seat, her face pale in the daylight that poured through the open windows.

"Look at his hands! He is so tiny," Helen said, a broad grin on her face. She ran a finger along Tavvy's chubby arm and the boy chuckled, his eyelids fluttering. When he had opened his eyes for the first time, no one had been surprised to find that they were the unmistakable blue-green Blackthorn color. The mob of hair on his head wasn't much, but enough to tell that one day he would have the same dark brown, curly hair like most of his siblings.

Tavvy opened his tiny hand and grabbed Helen's finger. She smiled at him happily, probably in the same goofy way her parents had stared at him after he was born.

"Don't you remember holding Drusilla?" Viviane said, and Helen lifted her head to look at her step-mother. "She was even tinier than Tavvy."

Helen nodded mutely, too taken aback by the look on Viviane's face. She looked exhausted and weak after their walk from the infirmary up here. Although her face was pale, her cheeks were flushed and her hair was plastered due to sweat to the nape of her neck. The Silent Brothers had reassured them that she would recover and had drawn another strength rune as well as a strong _iratze_ before leaving, but Helen was still worried that the fever would come back.

"How are you?" Helen asked in concern. Viviane reached for the blanket that lay by her feet and draped it over her now shaking body. She seemed to be hot and cold at the same time.

"Helen, please don't worry," Viviane said, her voice hoarsely. All color seemed to have faded from her eyes and they were a dull grey, staring at Helen blankly. "I'll be fine."

"But-" Helen was about to object when the sound of footsteps came from the hallway. A second later Drusilla and Julian appeared on the threshold, followed by the twins, Mark and their father Andrew. Drusilla peered into the room, indecisive if they should enter or not. Helen nodded at them approvingly and her sister swiftly crossed the room to sit down on the sofa with her. Her eyes gleamed as she saw her little brother peacefully snuggled into Helen's arms.

Julian, Mark and the twins approached them tentatively and gathered around the sofa to look at Tavvy. Andrew walked up to Viviane, placed a hand on her shoulder and she leaned her head against his arm, dreamily watching her children. If feeling weak and sick was the price she had to pay to witness this moment then she was willing to pay it repeatedly.

"Can I hold him?" Drusilla asked, her eyes nervously darting between her parents and Helen.

"Of course you can," Viviane said cheerfully, and Helen handed Tavvy to Dru, one hand carefully placed underneath his head. She showed Drusilla the right way to hold a baby; after having six younger siblings of whom she had held five as a baby she was trained in that matter and knew exactly what to do.

Drusilla's eyes brightened and the twins came closer, curiously gazing at their newborn brother. Julian and Mark had positioned themselves behind Helen, leaning over her shoulder to get a closer look on Tavvy.

"I want to hold him next," Julian exclaimed, and Helen almost flinched by his breath tickling her cheek.

"What about me?" Livia said and straightened herself up as if to prove a point. They glared at each other firmly, and Andrew said, "You'll all get the chance to hold him, but he's not a toy. He needs to be treated carefully."

Livia and Jules lowered their heads remorsefully and muttered in unison, "We know he's not a toy."

There was a moment of silence and everyone kept staring at the baby until a knock on the door startled them all.

"May I interrupt?"

Helen's heart skipped a beat. She didn't need to look at the person to know who it was; she could recognize the voice anywhere.

"Katerina, please come on in." It was Andrew. Helen saw out of the corner of her eyes her father getting up and greeting Katerina with a handshake. "I see you have recovered?"

Helen forced herself to avert her gaze and concentrated on looking at Tavvy instead, but then she figured that avoiding Katerina would be even more awkward than actually seeing her. She slowly lifted her head.

"I've never felt better.", Katerina said brightly, and her eyes met Helen's momentarily. The half-faerie felt her cheeks blush and cursed her pale skin.

"I'd like to pick up the training next week, if you don't mind," Katerina continued, and Helen couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked in casual clothes. She was wearing a long, turquoise dress that fitted her body perfectly and enhanced the color of her skin. Her black hair was braided loosely over her shoulder and her eyes were slightly smudged with mascara.

"I don't mind at all," Andrew said happily. "On the contrary, I think it's necessary to start training as soon as possible. I gladly offered you that two week vacations, because I felt responsible for what had happened, but Helen and Mark need to move on with their training."

Katerina nodded. "Great, so I'll be in on Monday?" She cast a glance at Mark and Helen, her blue eyes like needles on Helen's skin. She felt as if Katerina was looking directly into her soul, but she was probably just imagining things.

Mark looked very pleased with the news and excused himself from the living room, saying he needed to look for a new bow.

"Can I go with him?" Julian begged, and Andrew opened his mouth to respond, but Viviane was quicker. "Yes, but don't touch any of the daggers."  
A broad grin spread across Jules' face and he dashed off.

"He's too young!" Andrew exclaimed in frustration by the time Jules had already left, and his eyes met Viviane's.

"Don't be so hard on him. His tenth birthday is close and then we won't have a choice but allow him to go to the weapons room. Besides, Mark is with him and I trust that he knows how to behave."

Tavvy gave a low, gurgling noise and everyone including Katerina turned their attention towards him. Viviane looked tensed, even terrified.

"It's nothing. He's just dreaming," Helen reassured her. Drusilla had gone rigid next to her, not wanting to wake up her little brother.

"Actually I came here to congratulate you," Katerina said facing Viviane. "I even brought a little something."

She reached into her bag and retrieved a small box wrapped into a baby blue paper with loving care. "It's not much, but I made it myself."

Viviane accepted the present gladly, opened it without ripping the paper into pieces and held up a tiny pair of socks. They were the same color as the packing with the image of yellow ducks on it.

"These are lovely, Katerina. Did you really make them yourself?" Viviane asked astonished. It did surprise Helen as well. She hadn't thought that her tough tutor would have the patience to sit down and knit a pair of baby socks.

Katerina's lips curled into a smirk. "I am not much of an artist and I am surely not creative, but my mother taught me how to knit. So this is basically the only thing I can create with my own hands."

"I'm glad you have some skills other than teaching my children how to throw a knife or shoot an arrow," Andrew laughed.

"That I am good at," Katerina chuckled.

"Don't you want to take a seat?" Viviane asked and facing her husband she added, "Would you get something to drink for all of us?"

Andrew nodded obediently and as he left, Katerina had taken the seat across from Viviane. Her eyes darted to Tavvy who was still fast asleep in Drusilla's arm. Dru clutched at him protectively as if she feared Katerina would hurt him. Helen was again averting her gaze from Katerina, and she noticed that at some point during the conversation the twins had left the room as well. It was only the four of them left and the baby that continued sleeping peacefully.

The silence in the room was pressing down on Helen and she felt embarrassed, exposed to Katerina's eyes. She had imagined this moment so many times during the past few weeks, had dreamed of apologizing to Katerina and had even believed that there was still a chance her tutor might return the love. Now she couldn't help but see how foolish she had been to hold on to those illusions when in reality she couldn't even bear to look at Katerina. All she wanted was for this moment to be over, for someone to free her from her misery.

Another second passed and Helen was about to curse destiny for not granting her this one wish when a familiar voice from the door sounded.

"Viviane, there you are! Can we come in?"

"You don't need to ask. I'm glad you could make it," Viviane replied happily, and Helen looked up to see the Carstairs entering the living room. Cordelia Carstairs had her blond, wavy hair pulled up into a ponytail and was dressed casually as most people would on a hot, sunny late summer day in Los Angeles. Her hand was on the back of a nine-year-old girl whose hair was the same color as her mothers, and her eyes were wide, gazing through the room frantically as if she was looking for something. No, not something, Helen thought, someone. Ever since Cordelia, Viviane's parabatai, had brought her daughter Emma over to the Institute, the girl and Jules had been inseparable, and sometimes it seemed Julian was the center of her life, an invisible force constantly pushing her towards him. Helen had always admired their friendship and had wished for someone who would care about her as much as Emma cared about Jules.

John Carstairs had a content look on his face, and the three of them approached Viviane. Helen's step-mother struggled in an upright position, the blanket sliding down to the floor. She bent over to pick it up, but Helen was quickly by her side, grabbing the blanket tightly. Viviane smiled at her weakly, and returned her attention to the newcomers.

"Emma, look at you. You've grown so much," Viviane exclaimed, and Emma stepped up to give her a quick hug. Emma had never been a shy girl, and she had opened up to the Blackthorns easily, treating them as her own family. Maybe in some way we even are her other family, Helen thought.

"We brought something for Tavvy," Emma said, and proudly held up a small bag with the print of a duck on it. What is it with those ducks, Helen wondered, and watched Viviane taking the present Emma held out to her.

"Thank you, Emma. Did you pick that yourself?"

Emma nodded vehemently, her chest swelling with pride. Viviane retrieved a small package from the bag, wrapped in green paper, and carefully unwrapped the present. Helen leaned in to take a closer look at the item Viviane held up. It was a snow globe, beautifully crafted, and with a snow man at its center. Viviane shook it gently and the snow whirled around inside.

"Emma, this looks so nice," Viviane said, and Emma grinned even more. "But why did you pick a snow globe?" It seemed an unusual present for a newborn. Viviane was used to getting tons of clothes, toys and teddy bears, but never had someone gave her such a delicate piece.

A smirk crossed Emma's face and she said, still sounding proud and confident, "I've always loved the idea of snow, but I've never seen any. In Los Angeles it's always sunny, but I wanted Tavvy to see snow. Maybe he'll love it as much as I do."

"Emma, this is so –" Viviane broke off, too touched to talk. Her eyes were shining with tears and she reached out for Emma, pulling the girl in yet another tight hug. "Thank you," she murmured.

The moment Emma was released by Viviane she asked impatiently, "Can I go see Jules now?"

"Emma, don't be so rude," her mother scolded her, but Viviane quickly interjected, "No, it's fine, Cordelia. Jules is in the weapons room with Mark. Helen will bring you there."

Helen nodded obediently, and hastily got up her chair. Tavvy was still cuddled into Dru's arm and she trusted her sister with holding their youngest brother.

"Come on, Emma," she said and reached for the young girl's hand. Emma however refused, and Helen suppressed a sigh. She should have known that Emma wouldn't take her hand. She was stubborn and didn't like the help of others, not even Julian's.

They left the room and walked off down the hallway in silence. Upon seeing Julian peeking out from the weapons room Emma dashed off, not even saying goodbye to Helen. The half-faerie let out a sigh, gladly welcoming a moment of silence. Sometimes she needed a timeout from her hectic life, but now with another screaming sibling in the house it almost seemed impossible to get one of those moments. She strolled along the hallway, bright light pouring in through the tall windows facing the ocean, and her constantly working mind finally came to a rest. She inhaled deeply, taking in the salty scent that carried up from the ocean, and hummed, a melody she knew since she was a child. It was a song Viviane used to sing to her when she was little and now and then she would hum its calming melody. Her step-mother had an incredible voice and Helen had always hoped to be as good a singer as her, but she doubted she ever would.

"You have a beautiful voice."

Startled, she came to an abrupt halt as she saw Katerina approaching her. Her cheeks were flushed and she realized she had sung the last few lines out loud. She blinked at her tutor, and no words would come out. Katerina was striking, her crystal blue eyes resting on Helen as she stepped closer to the half-faerie. Though she kept her distance, Helen could smell her perfume and it made her feel dizzy. Helen searched her mind frantically for the words she had thought about for weeks, but all the things she had wanted to say to Katerina seemed to have vanished.

Katerina lowered her gaze and said, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but I needed to come here. You know I had to." Her tutor was still averting her eyes, and Helen swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. She had spent hours, days, picturing this moment and every time she had been able to talk to Katerina, to tell her how sorry she felt for what she'd said, but now she knew that she had only been daydreaming and would never have the courage to apologize to Katerina.

"Helen, I didn't intend to hurt your feelings," Katerina said, an uneven tone to her voice, and Helen thought she saw her hands slightly trembling. "I haven't changed my mind about it and I never will. I won't risk my place as a tutor, Helen, please understand this. This job is all I've ever dreamed of."

Katerina lifted her head, and Helen felt Katrina's eyes on her, but she kept her gaze lowered. She wasn't ready to face her, and instead she mumbled, "I've never wanted to get you into trouble, I'm sorry."

"No, I am sorry. Once I was where you are now," Katerina said, "and I know the feeling of unrequited love and how much it can hurt. I don't want to be the reason for your pain, but we can never happen. You know this isn't possible and you have to understand this."

Helen said nothing, slowly gritting her teeth. Anger was boiling up inside her chest, anger for herself. She was stupid to believe that Katerina would have changed her mind during the last two weeks. Helen's eyes darted up, meeting with Katerina's gaze for the first time, and she said sourly, "I get it. I won't bother you again." The words had come out in a harsh tone, but it was the only way she could keep from melting at the sight of Katerina's stunning blue eyes. Once more Helen felt her face flush and turned away quickly.

"I'll see you on Monday, then."

"Helen, please, don't," Katerina begged and reached out for the half-faerie, placing her hand on her shoulder. Helen flinched by the touch of Katerina's fingers firmly on her bare skin, and Katerina yanked at her shoulder, forcing her to turn around. The look on Katerina's face was pleading and for a moment Helen was confused, staring at her tutor in disbelieve.

"Don't what?" Helen snarled. All she wanted was for this conversation to be over.

"Don't walk away from me," Katerina said sadly, and Helen's heart skipped another beat.

"Why not?" she said, but the words were only a whisper. Katerina's grip was still firm on Helen's shoulder and they were so close Helen could see every freckle on Katerina's otherwise flawless skin. Her tutor's perfume was tickling Helen's nose, and she looked up – Helen was at least one head shorter – to meet her eyes with Katerina's.

Her tutor's eyes were wide, a distraught look on her face, and Helen stared back at her, baffled. Her lips parted slightly, about to make another harsh comment, and Katerina shifted, leaning in towards Helen. Suddenly Katerina's lips were on hers and a sound of surprise escaped her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut, the touch of Katerina's lips on hers unfamiliar, and she stiffened. Katerina's scent blurred her mind, her soft lips paralyzing her, and the kiss ended as sudden as it had started.

Helen let out a breath, Katerina's sweet taste still on her lips, and she gazed at her tutor. Katerina looked shocked, and she hastily pulled away from Helen, muttering, "I'm so sorry."

She retreated, looking at Helen as if she was something poisonous. "Helen, I'm so sorry," Katerina repeated. "I shouldn't have done this."

Helen's mind was whirling. Minutes ago Katerina had been talking about unrequited love and not wanting to risk her position as a tutor, so why kiss her?

"I…I have to go," Katerina stammered, and there were probably a million things Helen could have said, but instead she watched her tutor disappear in the corridor. She remained where she was, glued to the spot where she had been kissed seconds ago, and she stared straight ahead. Too many things were crossing her mind and she couldn't concentrate on one, couldn't figure out what had happened. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and minutes passed, maybe even an hour until Emma and Jules burst out of the weapons room, snapping her out of her daze.


	6. Chapter 6 - The Kissing Mistake

**Long time, no see! Enjoy this new chapter!**

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Helen couldn't wait for Monday morning to come for two reasons. Firstly, she was aching to get her body moving again by practicing throwing knives with her brother. Secondly – and this was far more important than the first one -, she wanted to talk to Katerina about their kiss. She'd spent all weekend pondering about it, and she planned to ask her tutor about it, no matter how embarrassing it would be. She needed to know.

When Monday finally arrived, Helen got up early, showered, braided her hair and put on a new set of training clothes. It was a pair of tight-fitted black pants, a loose top in the same color and a pair of gray boots. After forcing down some breakfast she headed back upstairs. The halls of the Institute were eerily quiet that early in the morning and she knew the only person that was up beside her was her father, bending over some papers on his desk in his office.

Luckily, her father didn't keep the training room locked, so she entered and walked over to one of the tall windows looking out onto the ocean. It was a sunny day, as usual, and the waves breaking at the shore filled the room with a calming whoosh. For a moment she just stood there, admiring the beauty of the sea. Then she went to the wooden door situated to her left and tried the knob. Sadly, her father was cautious about locking away all the weapons. She knew it was better that way, but she'd hoped to get a chance at practicing her swordplay before the actual training started.

Frowning, she grabbed one of the staffs that leaned against the wall next to the door. She held it the way she'd hold the hilt of a sword, wielding it loosely in her grip at first and then bringing it down decisively, slicing through the air. She repeated the exact same thing, moving through the room almost as if she was dancing. Closing her eyes, she tried to get used to the feeling of the staff in her hand, the way it moved when she moved.

"If you're practicing for the next audition of Swan Lake, I'd say you won't have a shot at it."

Helen let the staff drop to the ground with a clatter and whirled around to glare at her brother.

"That's not what this is about," she hissed. "But at least I can dance."

The smirk on Mark's face only broadened. He ran a hand through his already tousled hair and laughed, "If you say so."

Then he strode up to her, picked up the staff and twirled it in his hands. Helen watched him, wondered why he eyed her shyly while balancing the stick in his grip. His eyes met with hers and then flickered away hastily. He blushed.

"What is it?" Helen asked, starting to get irritated. When he didn't answer she snatched the staff out of his grasp and with the tip of it smacked the back of his right hand. Judging on the way he screamed, she'd hit him harder than intended.

"Are you mad?" he yelled, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his hand. A perfectly round, red bruise started to show.

"You're keeping something from me," she snapped. Mark had seemed to gain his composure and reached for the staff again. Helen took a step back.

"I want to know what it is."

"It's nothing. I was only wondering…"

"You know you can tell me." Helen spoke much softer now. She lowered the weapon she was still holding and took his hand in hers, the one she'd hit.

"I'm sorry about this," she said. "But you remember what Katerina told us about reaction. I was simply proving yours."

At the mention of their tutor's name, Mark's gaze flickered away from her, just like it had before, and Helen suddenly felt anxious.

Mark wrest his hand from Helen's grip, his eyes still glued to the ground.

"About Katerina…" he began.

A sharp report rang out and then there was the sound of wood scratching over marble floor, followed by the clattering of heels.

"Good morning! Don't you two look fresh?"

Helen felt the blood freeze in her veins and every color drain from her face. She gripped the wooden staff in her hands tightly, so tight that the skin at her knuckles turned white, and swiveled to face her tutor.

And that's when she lost the last bit of confidence she'd had.

Katerina was beautiful, as always, with her dark hair that was pulled up into a ponytail, her startling blue eyes that curiously gazed through the room and her perfectly shaped, tall body that was only emphasized by the outfit she was wearing. It was a pair of black shorts and a blue top, almost the same color as her eyes. She also wore boots similar to Helen's. Her appearance made her think of an avenging angel, send down from Heaven to protect the world from evil. But that's what Shadowhunters were born to do. Still, Helen thought, no one had ever looked this gorgeous while doing so.

"You ready?" It was Katerina's voice again. Helen snapped out of her daze just as a pile of knives was being deposited at her feet.

"It's time for some proper knife throwing," Katerina announced excitedly, beaming at Helen. All she could do was nod.

"Great."

The next half hour was worse than Helen could've had expected. Since Mark was less skilled with knives than Helen, Katerina had to give him most of her attention and she repeatedly had to explain to him how to hold his arm when throwing. Helen watched them out of the corner of her eye while throwing knives at her own target, not missing even once, and her heart skipped a beat every time Katerina placed a hand on Mark's arm or back. And every time she flung the knife with such force that it buried itself with a loud thump in the wooden board they used as target. The noise would briefly draw Katerina's attention towards her and she would let go of Mark, glancing at her. And then she would resume her work, as if Helen wasn't even there.

Helen started to get frustrated, and her frustration turned into anger. The next throw missed severely and the knife clattered to the ground.

"I'll get it," Helen announced, but again she earned nothing more than a quick glance.

"Not that anyone cares," she mumbled as she picked up the knife. Something silver hurtled past her, missing her by inches, and she yelped in surprise.

"I'm so sorry." Mark was by her side now, his face covered with sweat, and he feebly pulled at the dagger that stuck in the wall next to where Helen's head had been seconds ago.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, gripping the hilt of the knife with both hands and pulling as firmly as he could. But it stuck too deep in the wooden panel.

Helen angrily blew at a curl that had loosened from her braid. "You could've killed me. Seriously, Mark, I've never seen anybody whose aim is as bad as yours. It's not that hard."

Mark instantly let go of the dagger, his hands falling loosely at his side. He stared back at her as if she'd slapped him, but it only took him a few seconds and two deep breaths to regain his composure.

"What is wrong with you?" He said it in a very harsh tone that made Helen take a step back.

"I- You threw that knife. Quite poorly, I might add."

"I don't know what happened between you and Katerina, or what she said to piss you off, but I won't let you take it out on me. Don't try to tell me that you were any better when you started your training, because I remember quite vividly you cutting yourself the first time you held a seraph blade. So stop criticizing me and get yourself together!"

Helen had never seen her brother that angry. His faced was aflame, his ears almost steaming with fury, and after shooting her one last nasty glare he stomped out of the room.

"What did just happened?" Katerina asked baffled, her wide eyes scanning Helen. She was hoping that Katerina's confusion meant she hadn't heard a word of the conversation, but judging on how loud Mark had yelled at her, every hope was lost. She couldn't bring herself to talk, so all she did was shake her head.

"Don't shake your head on me." Anger laced Katerina's voice now. "Whatever it is that's bothering you doesn't give you the right to be so mean to your brother. He's doing his best."

Helen's eyes narrowed on Katerina. "Whatever is bothering me? Do you seriously not know?"

A shadow crossed Katerina's face, barely discernible, and then she was all serious again, squaring her shoulder and stepping up to Helen.

"If this is about what happened between you and me," Katerina started, but stopped, sucking in a huge breath of air. "Helen, I told you already. I don't have any feelings for you."

"Then why did you kiss me?" Helen yelled. She felt like she might explode any second and she had to clutch her hands into fists to stop them from trembling.

"It was a mistake, Helen," Katerina said remorsefully, but Helen hadn't come here to hear a lame apology. She wanted things to be cleared.

"Ordering Thai instead of Chinese is a mistake. Buying hair conditioner instead of shampoo is a mistake. Kissing somebody the way you kissed me and then telling them it didn't mean anything is not a mistake. It's unfair, and it's torturing."

Helen was breathing heavily now, her chest – and her heart – aching with every breath. Katerina gazed at her in bewilderment, seemingly searching for something to say, but not able to find any words. Helen kept staring back at her, directly into her eyes, so she could see how much she'd hurt her.

Finally, Katerina broke the silence.

"I'm sorry if this is causing you pain. I really didn't mean to. And kissing you… I shouldn't have done that. It can never happen again."

"Why did you do it, then?" Helen countered.

Katerina frowned. "Can we please not do this? I really need you to let this go."

Helen didn't answer immediately and instead she kept glaring at Katerina, her grip tightening around the hilt of the dagger she'd picked up earlier.

Then she mumbled, "Fine. I guess this means we're done for today?"

She didn't wait for Katerina to answer; she spun around, draw her arm back and let the knife fly. As always, it didn't miss its target. A broad smile spread across Helen's face as she strut out of the room without looking back at Katerina.

* * *

The corridor outside was dark and cold. The weather had changed and thick clouds obscured the sky, keeping away the sun and its warmth. The Institute looked as gloomy as Helen felt. She'd immediately slammed the door shut behind her, and still leaned against its smooth, cool surface, gasping for air.

What did just happened? she kept asking herself as she stood there, all her courage from before vanished, leaving her to feel numb and even a little stupid. She'd been foolish to think that Katerina could have a serious interest in her. And Katerina had had a point. It was too risky for them to date. It could cost Katerina her job and that was the last thing Helen wanted. But still... She couldn't shake off the feeling that that kiss had been more than just a mistake.

The Institute seemed a lot busier at that time, much closer to midday, and Helen probably only stood there a few minutes before the first person passed her. It was one of her father's colleagues. He waved at her, smiling friendly, and disappeared at the corner. It was enough for Helen to rip her out of her thoughts and get her moving again. She walked off down the hallway, hoping she'd find her brother in the kitchen to apologize to him.

As it turned out, Mark was not there, but her other siblings were. Ty was screaming at the kitchen table, kicking it with his feet, and Livia, her face tear streaked, was desperately trying to calm him down. Drusilla sat on the floor, sobbing silently, and Jules stood behind the kitchen counter, watching the whole scene with terror. The moment Helen entered, his face flooded with relief and he came round the counter towards her.

"Helen. I don't know what to do. Ty suddenly started to scream and Tavvy..."

The words tumbled out of him in a nervous rush, and only now did Helen see the baby in its cradle. The boy was screaming too, but it was barely audible over the cries of his siblings.

"Jules, where is your mother?" was the first thing that came to Helen's mind. Her brother paled.

"I-I don't know."

The tremor in his voice tightened Helen's chest with panic, but she swallowed it down.

"Don't worry. I'll find her. You go get Ty's stuffed bee," Helen ordered and Julian nodded obediently. "And take Drusilla with you."

He silently took Dru's hand, who followed him without hesitation, and together they left the kitchen. Ty was screaming so loud now that Helen feared her ears might burst. But knowing there was nothing she could do to calm him down, she walked past them and to the cradle instead. She reached down and lifted up her little baby brother, swaying him gently and talking soothingly. His cries subsided and his eyes cleared, staring back at Helen with such intense curiosity only a baby could.

And then everything fell silent around Helen. She turned around to see Ty happily hugging his bee, Livia smiling at his side, and Jules, who still held on to Drusilla. His and Helen's gaze met and his lips formed a silent thank you.

No problem, she mouthed back.

She waited another minute or so for Tavvy to fall asleep and then she placed him back into the cradle, pulling the blanket tight around his tiny body. Her other siblings were now sitting quietly at the kitchen table and the only noise that filled the air was the soft sound of breaking waves outside the window.

"Did your mother say where she went?" Helen asked matter-of-factly, trying to keep her voice steady and not let her worry show. The twins and Drusilla shook their heads no.

"She said something about using the bathroom," Julian explained. His face was pale again.

Helen nodded, too choked to say anything, and left the kitchen. As soon as she was in the hallway and out of her siblings' sight, she started to run. The Institute had dozens of bedrooms and each one had a bathroom attached and in addition to that there was a number of common bathrooms and toilets. There were three on the same floor as the kitchen, and Helen raced down the hallway to the first one, yanked open the door and found it empty.

Her heart sank. Remembering the way Viviane had looked after giving birth to Tavvy, her white, sweaty face and loose limbs, Helen doubled her pace. The second bathroom was just like the first one and there was no sight of Viviane. Panic rose up Helen's chest.

It was now midday and most of the people living and working in the Institute were gone to get some lunch. The hallways were completely empty, and as Helen called out Viviane's name, the walls threw it back in an echo.

There was no response.

Helen reached the third bathroom on that floor, breathing heavily, and flung open the door.

"Viviane!" she called out again.

And then she saw her, slumped on the ground next to the sink, water flowing from the tap and soaking her clothes. She was lifeless, her face ghastly white and her lips slowly turning purple.

Helen quickly turned off the water and sank to her knees, cupping Viviane's face with her hands. She was alarmingly cold.

"Viviane, can you hear me?" Her voice was nothing more than a squeak.

She gently shook Viviane's shoulders, saying her name over and over again, but there was no movement, not even a stir.

Helen drew out her stele, which she'd taken with her for practice, but hesitated. There was no visible wound, so there was no need for an _iratze_. Helen searched her mind for another rune that could be of use, but there was only a handful she was capable of drawing. And she didn't want to make it worse.

She put the stele back into her pocket and instead she took out her phone. She rarely had it with her, but this morning when she'd looked at it she'd had a nagging feeling and had taken it with her. She punched in the digits and dialed. There was a soft click.

"Dad? It's Helen. I'm downstairs in the bathroom next to the living room. Viviane... She's..."

There was a pause on the other end and then her father spoke, his voice laced with apprehension.

"I'm on my way."

And then he hung up. Seconds after that the door behind Helen opened and her father stormed in. What happened next was only a blur to Helen, but she remembered clearly following her father downstairs, where he placed Viviane on one of the beds in the infirmary. The Silent Brothers arrived and ushered Helen outside, where she stood, staring at the door, for at least another hour.

She only moved when she recalled her siblings being alone in the kitchen, and she went back upstairs, feeling numb all over. She was relieved to find Mark with them and everything seemed quite normal. Luckily, the kids hadn't noticed the commotion going on, and Helen intended to keep it that way. When Julian asked where their mother was, she told him that she was taking a nap, and even though it didn't seem to convince him – he was far too clever for that – it calmed down their other siblings.

Mark and Helen spend the rest of the day with them, taking them for a long walk on the beach once the sky had cleared, and in the evening Helen fixed them dinner. Mark barely spoke to Helen, but it was nothing she could worry about now. She'd talk to him once her siblings were in bed.

After reading a bedtime story to the twins and Drusilla, they finally fell asleep. Tavvy was long asleep before that, and Julian had offered to stay with him and watch him since his mother was still 'taking a nap'. When he'd said it, Helen had been once more confirmed that he definitely saw through the charade. But he didn't ask any questions. He just tried to make the best out of it.

So once all her siblings were tucked into bed, Helen returned to the kitchen where she thought Mark was still busy with the washing-up. But he was already gone. Helen took a peek into his room, but it was empty too. She was too exhausted to worry about it and went to visit Viviane instead.

When she entered the infirmary she found her father slumped on a chair next to his wife's bed, his eyes drooping. He flinched when Helen pulled the door shut behind her.

"Are the kids...?"

Helen nodded. "I took care of it."

Andrew leaned back in his chair; the lamp on the nightstand illuminated the fine lines of exhaustion on his face. He ran a hand through his messy hair, his eyes darting from Viviane, her face as pale as the blanket, to Helen, who stood some distance away.

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" Helen asked, barely getting out the words.

The look on her father's face was enough of a response.

Helen moved closer and placed a hand on her father's shoulder; she could feel him tremble under her touch. She knew that she should've said something encouraging then, but what to tell a man whose wife was dying? And Helen couldn't deny the fact that Viviane was worse than ever, and neither could Andrew.

Helen stayed with her father and Viviane a long time that night, holding on to her father's hand, and even though they didn't say a word, they gave each other comfort and the strength they needed to endure what was about to come.


	7. Chapter 7 - The Agony of Uncertainty

**Thanks, Megan, for your review! Here's another chapter :)**

* * *

Viviane didn't get better. The next day the Silent Brothers returned, performing more peculiar rituals on her and drawing runes Helen had never seen before. But nothing seemed to help her condition; not the daily visits of the Silent Brother; not the soup Andrew tried to cook and after the fourth attempt finally succeeded in making; not the hours Viviane's children spent at her side, praying for her to be alright again.

On the fifth day Viviane regained her consciousness, but only to have it slip away from her again after a few minutes. It was barely enough time to ask her how she was feeling, or if there was anything in particular she wanted. So the Blackthorn family was left with guessing what the right thing to do was, and with hoping that eventually it would help.

A gloomy atmosphere had settled over the Institute in the following weeks, and everyone wandering its hallways looked as somber as Helen felt. Very rarely were the hallways filled with voices those days, and Helen started to forget what it was like to laugh. All she knew was how it felt to be sad, day after day, and her eyes were itching with tears. All those weeks, which slowly turned into months, she kept her focus on taking care of her siblings, so she wouldn't think about the inevitable. What made it even harder was the conversation between her father and the Silent Brothers she'd overheard the other day, about precautions to Viviane's death. To them, it wasn't a matter of _if_ but _when_.

Not being able to talk to her brother Mark about it, was tormenting Helen. He hadn't spoken to her since that incident two months ago, up until the day after Helen had witnessed the conversation and bumped into him.

It happened on the way to the training room and Helen immediately apologized to him.

"You hurt?" she asked. She was in a bit of a hurry. Ever since she took on looking after their siblings, her schedule had been crammed. Mark had occasionally stepped in to help her, but overall he'd been very aloof. She'd started to suspect it had nothing to do with her anymore.

"Yeah. I'm fine," he mumbled in response, not even granting her a glance. He already tried to squeeze passed her when she stopped him.

"Wait. There's something I need to tell you."

His eyes narrowed on her and he stopped. "Too little, too late, don't you think?"

"That's not what I was trying to tell you," said Helen very calmly. "I overheard father talking to Brother Enoch and –"

"You eavesdropped?"

Helen seemed to have gotten his attention as he stared at her with wide, curious eyes.

"How did you manage to do that? Dad's always so careful about it."

"Well, I got my ways." Helen couldn't help but smile; it was only fleeting.

"But listen." She lowered her voice, leaning in closer to Mark. She didn't remember being this close to him since that other day at training. "They are already planning Viviane's funeral. Apparently she's been in a coma far too long to ever wake up, and there's no rune that can help with that. At least, that's what the Silent Brothers say. But they can't just let her die, right?"

By the end of it Helen had lost her confidence and she'd sounded more desperate than ever. Almost as desperate as Mark looked.

"What did father say? He can't possibly agree to this!"

Helen shook her head no. "He said himself that it wasn't Viviane's time to go. He's convinced that she can still be cured. Maybe not by the Silent Brothers, but we might be able to."

The devastation was writ large on Mark's face, and he averted his gaze from her, stammering, "B-But what if they're right? The Silent Brothers have been around for so much longer than we have and no one is as experienced as they are."

"So now you're agreeing with them?" Helen snapped. She frowned, turning away from her brother. "It was a mistake coming to you."

She took a step forward, but was stopped by a firm grip on her shoulder. She whirled around, another harsh comment already on her lips, but faltered when she saw the hurt on her brother's face. Only now did she notice the dark circles underneath his eyes, the evidence of countless nights of fitful sleep, and the fine lines of worry that showed at the corner of his mouth. And when her eyes met Mark's, the same blue-green color, she saw something breaking in them, like a wave on a stormy sea.

"Mark," she whispered. It was all she could manage.

And then Mark's grip on Helen's shoulder loosened and he drew back his arm only to bring it forward again; this time he pulled Helen into a tight embrace. Helen yelped, the air catching in her throat, but she let her brother hug her. She ran her hands up his back and pressed her palms against his shoulder blades, feeling his muscles. He was starting to become a man, and yet he was so fragile. Helen wasn't ready for her younger brother to become a man; she hadn't been on the day of his first training, and she'd never be.

He released her, as unexpected as he'd pulled her in, and all the pain was gone from his face. He looked dead serious now.

"Helen, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have been avoiding you all this time. Viviane's sick, and if –" he stopped, swallowing. "When she dies, we need to be there for our siblings. And I need you to be there for me."

"You don't need to apologize." Helen took hold of Mark's hand again. "I'm the one who should say sorry. And I am. Katerina –"

"No don't," Mark interrupted, wresting his hands out of her grasp.

Helen blinked at him, confused. "Didn't you want to know?"

"You don't have to tell me. I believe you that you're sorry for what you said, but I don't need to know the reason why you did say it. If that's something between you and Katerina, fine. All I need to know is that you're sorry, and that you forgive me for being so hard on you."

"I am sorry. In fact, I am very sorry," Helen said.

"Me too." Mark's lips curved into a weak smile. But then it vanished and was replaced by worry again. "We're in this together, aren't we?"

"Yes, we are. We'll get through this. Together," Helen replied and managed to flash him a smile.

And even though she hadn't known it at that point, she didn't smile for a long time after that day. Clearing things with her brother had been a relief, and knowing that when things got bad he'd stay at her side was an even greater comfort. But seeing the way her father looked at Viviane every night, when he sat by her bed, waiting for her to wake up, was breaking her heart. And she wondered if it would be enough to have her brother, not only for her, but for her father and her other siblings. She knew she'd deal with it some way, but it was her siblings she worried about.

Viviane's condition didn't change for another week; even though she was awake every now and then, her fever had gotten worse. A cluster of people were constantly huddled around her bed, taking her temperature, administering medicine or asking her how she felt, repeatedly. As it turned out, all what Viviane needed was to see her family. Against the Silent Brothers' will, Helen brought her younger siblings to the infirmary twice every day, once in the morning and then again later in the evening. Each time they entered a smile spread on Viviane's face and she started to laugh, hugging each of her children. Helen couldn't imagine what it must've felt like for her to not being able to see her own children, and what was worse was the fact that they had to keep Tavvy away. As a newborn he was too fragile and he could easily get infected.

So most of the time Helen was taking care of Tavvy, and it was only then that she realized how time-consuming a baby was. She gladly looked forward to training every morning after breakfast, where there would be no dirty diapers or sticky fingers or deafening cries. And preferring training over babysitting even astounded Helen, considering that Katerina still avoided speaking to her.

"You have to lower your arm," she'd say, or "You have to shift the emphasis on your right leg." But she wouldn't say anything unrelated to training. She wouldn't even say hi or goodbye.

One morning Helen was sick of the charade, feeling exhausted after a sleepless night besides Tavvy's crib, and she walked into the training room, cheerfully calling out "Hello!" simply to upset Katerina. She'd definitely had caught the other girl off-guard. Katerina whirled around, gawking at Helen, and in the end she replied to her with a short hello. She then resumed whatever she'd been doing before Helen's great appearance.

"Where's Mark?" Helen asked surprised.

Katerina mumbled something in return, but it was drowned by the clatter of knives and all sorts of other weapons as she continued to rummage through a box.

"What did you say?" Helen started to get annoyed, which happened a lot lately, with her nerves as thin as wires.

"I said," Katerina replied while getting back up, a bunch of knives in her hands as if she was holding flowers. "Mark's not coming today. He told me he's got some place else to be."

"What? Where else would he have to be?"

Katerina shrugged. "I don't know. And I don't care. Gives me the chance to get you forward with your training. It's time we get you something more… advanced."

At that last word Katerina had smiled mischievously, her crystal blue eyes gleaming.

Helen flinched, her stomach lurching both with excitement and apprehension.

"Don't look so shocked," said Katerina, still smiling. "It'll be fun. I promise."

And then she vanished in the weapons room to the left and again there was a clacking and crashing sound. When Katerina reappeared she was holding a bow in one hand and a quiver full of arrows in the other. She shoved the bow into Helen's hands and flung the quiver onto her shoulder.

"You've proved to me on several occasions that you know how to handle a seraph blade and daggers. Your aim is exceptional, as you've showed me in our knife-throwing lessons. So this has to be your perfect weapon," Katerina explained, taking a step back. Helen was glad she did, because the close proximity to her tutor turned her legs into goo and the scent of her perfume made her feel dizzy.

"We're going to use the same target as always," Katerina continued matter-of-factly. "Here's an arrow."

She pulled one out of her quiver and handed it to Helen, who took it hesitantly. It felt alien in her hands. She was certain that it even looked ridiculous the way she clumsily held the bow.

A few seconds passed in which Katerina expectantly stared toward the target, and Helen desperately looked from the bow to the arrow to her tutor. Then Katerina turned to look at her.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked.

"But you haven't even shown me –"

"You'll know what to do," was all Katerina replied. She returned her attention to the target.

Helen blew up her cheeks. Too many things had happened in the past two months, but she wouldn't let this get to her. She'd show Katerina that she could do it.

Quite confidently she grabbed the bow, trying to imitate the way she'd seen her father or brother hold it, and she placed the arrow in the spot she thought it should be. She took another minute adjusting the bow, and then she pulled the arrow and the string back, the string almost touching Helen's lips as she did so. She could feel the faint vibration in the string as she pulled it. Eyes glued to the target, she let the arrow fly, watched it hurtled through the room, and slap to the ground inches in front of where it was supposed to go.

"Not so bad for your first shot. You'll have to put more strength into it, draw the string a little bit more," Katerina said, already handing her a second arrow. Helen took it, angrily gritting her teeth.

She brought herself into position again, fitting the arrow to the bow, and pulled. This time she pulled as hard as she could, the string cutting into her fingers, and only when she thought that neither the bow nor the skin on her hands couldn't take any more did she release the arrow. This time it shot through the room in a straight line and hit the target with a satisfying thump. It wasn't the bull's eye, but the target nonetheless.

"I did it!" Helen exclaimed, holding the bow up high and cheering as if she'd just defeated a Greater Demon. It certainly felt that way.

She excitedly jumped up and down, gripping the bow in her hands like a trophy, and for a split second all she cared about was that perfect shot. She forgot about Viviane and her siblings, about the Silent Brothers roaming the Institute, and about the demons lurking in the dark, and instead she felt as light as a feather in a summer breeze.

Holding on to that feeling, she reached out for another arrow and Katerina handed it to her without hesitation. She aimed, she shot, and the arrow hit again, this time even closer to the bull's eye. Her body buzzing with adrenaline, she grabbed another arrow, almost snatching it out of Katerina's hands. She was so busy with shooting arrows and cheering over each one that hit that she didn't notice the way her tutor stared at her. Only when they ran out of arrows did Helen turn to look at Katerina and see both astonishment and pride on her face.

"Well done, Helen." Katerina was smiling widely. But there was something in the way she looked at Helen, a gleaming in her eyes, that made her feel uneasy.

"Uh, thanks," replied Helen, her face flushing. "I should go get the arrows, then."

She shouldered the bow and walked over to the far wall to collect the arrows. She only had to pick up one; the rest stuck to the board that served as the target. She'd started to pluck them out, one by one, when Katerina joined her, taking the arrows from her and putting them back into the quiver. The faint glimmer was still in her eyes, and Helen wondered what it meant.

"Can you do another round?" Katerina asked as she took another arrow from Helen. "I thought maybe we could try it from a bit farther back. See how far you can shoot. But before that I'd like to show you how to improve your technique."

"Um, sure."

"Great." She put the last of the arrows back where they belonged. "Now take your bow."

Helen did as advised, warily watching Katerina as she put down the quiver and stepped up behind her. Suddenly, Katerina's hand was on Helen's, the one holding the bow, and the touch of her fingers on her skin sent thousand icy needles down Helen's spine.

"You okay?" Katerina asked, her hand still resting on Helen's.

Helen nodded.

"Okay. You have to hold it a little bit more like this."

Now Katerina had both her hands on Helen's arms, placing them in the right position. She did that very gently, her hands soft, but determined on Helen. When she had Helen the way she wanted it, she stepped back, her fingers grazing Helen's bare arm.

Then, all of a sudden, the bow slipped from Helen's grip.

"I'm so sorry. God, I'm so clumsy." She quickly got to her knees to pick up the bow, but her hands were shaking uncontrollably and the bow slid from her grasp once more.

"Sweaty hands. I'm so sorry," Helen repeated. Her heart was beating so fast and so loudly, it almost deafened her. When she didn't get hold of the bow on her third attempt, her eyes started to fill with tears.

She straightened up and angrily kicked at the bow. It hurtled through the air and landed a few feet away with a crack, the string snapping.

Tears now trickled down her cheeks. She wasn't even sure why she cried, but she felt so angry and so frustrated that it took the breath out of her lungs. The tears were hot on her cheeks, almost like acid on her skin, but she didn't wipe them away. She just stood, her hands loosely at her side, and cried.

Suddenly, soft hands touched her shoulders and pulled her into an embrace. She could smell Katerina's sweet, lingering perfume clearly now and it brought even more tears to her eyes. She twisted and turned, away from Katerina and that endearing smell, but she couldn't move under Katerina's tight grip. Instead she collapsed against her tutor, resting her head on her shoulder, and sobbed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she heard Katerina say. She shook her head no. Strangely, she felt incredibly stupid, and her sorrow turned into anger, making her tears stop. She pushed away from Katerina, who watched her, bewildered.

"You okay?"

Helen nodded. "I'm fine."

Katerina was still very close to Helen and it made her nervous. She tried to get some distance between them, but Katerina had hold of her hands and still watched her with wide, blue eyes. Now her tutor looked angry, but there was something else in her eyes, the glimmer Helen had seen earlier.

"Are you…okay?" Helen asked worriedly.

Helen waited for a response; there was none. Then Katerina moved closer, very close, and Helen could see every freckle on her face and the light breaking in her crystal eyes. Her perfume tickled Helen's nose once more.

"Katerina?"

Her response was nothing Helen had expected.

"Maybe it wasn't a mistake after all."

Helen had been a hundred percent certain that she'd misheard, but then Katerina's lips were on hers and everything around her seemed to explode into spangles of color, like her own personal firework. She suddenly felt excited and happy, and hundreds of other emotions she never experienced before crashed down on her. The kiss was intense, Katerina's lips demanding on Helen's, but it was over far too soon.

Katerina pulled away hastily, which sent a blow to Helen's stomach, reminding her of how she'd felt the first time Katerina had turned her down. Nausea overwhelmed her, and she quickly pressed her hand to her stomach.

"I was being honest," Katerina said, now standing some distance away. "This wasn't a mistake, and neither was last time. But…"

She stooped down, retrieving the bow Helen had dropped.

"But?" Helen urged.

"Somebody's coming. We'll talk later." Katerina finished the sentence with a wink and then disappeared into the weapons room, supposedly to get a new bow. Helen looked after her, suddenly grinning like a fool, until a group of Shadowhunters entered. That's when she had to hide her grin, but it came through every now and then as she went on to explain the Institute to the Shadowhunters, who were visitors from Idris. The kiss was always in the back of her mind and the taste of Katerina lips always on hers.


	8. Chapter 8 - The Night of Change

"Viviane's awake."

The moment Helen heard those words from her father, she dropped the bow she'd been holding. It had been weeks since Viviane had opened her eyes the last time.

"How is she?"

"Weak, but stable. Her fever's gone. And she's asking for you." Andrew stood on the threshold to the training room, holding the door for Helen. She whirled around to look at Katerina and Mark, who returned her gaze with equal relief.

"We should go," Mark urged. He seemed frenzied, and Helen wondered why. This was good news.

Helen turned to look at Katerina. "We'll come back later, alright?"

Ever since their kiss two weeks ago there was something between them, some kind of tension, and it always made Helen feel nervous and jittery when she was close to Katerina. She'd meant to talk to Katerina after the kiss, as Katerina had promised her, but too many things had happened at once.

Her tutor only nodded and took the sword from Mark's grip. He let go willingly and rushed passed Helen as if something was chasing him. After glancing at Katerina one more time, Helen followed him to the infirmary.

Viviane was sitting up in her bed, looking fresh as a daisy, with rosy cheeks and clear eyes that only brightened on the sight of Helen and Mark. There was no one else present, not even the Silent Brothers, who'd been constant visitors over the last few weeks, or the nurse that always scurried about.

"You came," Viviane said, as they both approached her. Her voice was hoarse and almost cracking as she spoke, but surprisingly it was the only evidence of her dreadful condition; her soft, dark curls, freshly washed, framed her pale face as they always did and she almost looked human again.

"Of course we did. How are you?" Mark immediately took one of her hands into his, squeezing it.

"Mark. My beautiful boy. Did you grow while I was…asleep?" Viviane sounded both joyous and bitter. But hearing her call Mark 'her boy' filled Helen with pure bliss. They'd always considered her their mother.

Mark laughed, blushing. "I wish I had. It's about time."

"You'll make a great warrior one day. I know it," Viviane returned, beaming brightly. Her gaze flickered toward Helen, who had sat down on the chair next to the bed, one hand reaching out for Viviane over the sheet.

"Andrew told me you're making progress with the bow and arrow. I used to be very good at it." Again her voice was laced with a faint tone of sorrow.

"I like it a lot. I think this might be my favorite," replied Helen, gently patting the back of Viviane's hands.

"That's good," Viviane said, smiling. "How's my baby? Can I see him?"

"He's great, really. He's such a bright little guy, and he laughs all day, entertaining the rest of the kids."

Viviane nodded, starting to comprehend. "You're saying I can't see him, aren't you?"

"I-I don't know. I'd have to ask Dad, but-"

"Stop. It's okay," Viviane interrupted, a clear look of hurt on her face. At the rebuke, Helen pulled her hands away from hers, folding them in her lap.

"I'm so sorry," she mumbled.

Suddenly, Mark shot to his feet. "There has to be some way for you to see Tavvy. I'll go talk to Dad."

"Mark, stop! You don't have to do this. I'm alright," said Viviane, stretching out one hand, trying to get hold of Mark. He turned away from her.

"I'll be back in a minute," he called over his shoulder as he hurried from the room.

"He's just worried," Helen said.

Viviane sighed heavily, collapsing back into the sheets. "I wish he wouldn't worry. The same goes for you, by the way."

She was avoiding Helen's gaze, her gray eyes staring blankly ahead.

"How can we not worry?" Helen retorted, getting to her feet. She walked around the bed and stepped in front of Viviane, so she had to face her. She couldn't recognize the woman in front of her. She was no longer the cheerful, loving mother she'd been; she acted more like a stubborn child.

"I'm sick of being in here. But more importantly, I'm sick of seeing you worry. All of you. It's what makes me feel worse than my condition, and I just hope every day that this will finally find an end. I want you to live again."

"So you're saying you rather die so we can live?" Helen snapped. "What life will this be for those kids if they don't have their mother?"

"What life is it now if all they do is sit around my sickbed and wait for me to get better, when in fact I'm only getting worse?"

"You're better now, aren't you?" Rage was boiling inside Helen, threatening her chest to burst.

Viviane's eyes slowly started to fill with tears, and again she turned away from Helen.

"I can tell, Helen," she mumbled into the sheets. Helen leaned in to hear clearer and asked, "What can you tell? What is it?"

Viviane was shaking uncontrollably under her sheets now, sobbing and wailing, and Helen started to panic. She leaped forward, grabbing Viviane by the shoulder and pulling her onto her back. Foam was seeping from her mouth and her eyes turned back in her sockets until only the white part showed. She suddenly convulsed and her sobs turned into gurgling sounds.

"Viviane?" The words almost caught in Helen's throat, tightened with panic. "Viviane!"

She managed to press her back down into the sheets.

"Help! Somebody!" Helen cried as she pushed Viviane down.

The doors opened with a loud bang and Helen heard several pair of feet rushing over to them, but she didn't dare to look at the newcomers' faces. Viviane was still twisting and turning under Helen's grip and she had to strain herself to be able to hold her. Horrible noises escaped Viviane's throat, nothing Helen had ever heard before, and a cold shiver ran down her spine.

"Viviane, please," begged Helen. She felt a firm hand being placed on her shoulder and push her back; it was her father, struggling to get passed her, his face red and sweaty. Helen staggered back a few feet, her eyes glued on Viviane, who was being held down by a nurse trying to administer some medicine.

"We have to roll her over," she ordered after trickling a few drops of some liquid into Viviane's mouth. It seemed to stop the foam and the chocking noise. Several pairs of hands, including one of a Silent Brother, grabbed Viviane and pushed her onto her side.

Helen took a step forward, but was shoved back by her father.

"The kids," was all he said. He barely looked at Helen, but she didn't need to see his face to recognize his fright; his voice had been wavering and his hands shaking.

Helen stumbled over her own feet on the way out, not being able to avert her gaze from Viviane. The convulsions had stopped, but she was still breathing heavily. Out in the hallway, she picked up her pace and sprinted upstairs. As she ran, she forced the image of Viviane to the back of her mind, locking it away, and concentrated on what lay ahead.

She slipped again on the topmost step, and, cursing about her clumsiness, she ran right into her tutor.

"Uff!" The air was being pressed out of her lungs as she collided with Katerina, who, luckily, caught her.

"Where are you trying to get to?" The other girl laughed as she freed Helen from her grip, her hand resting on her shoulder for support. "I was meaning to talk to you -"

"Now's not a good time." Helen swat Katerina's hand from her shoulder.

Katerina's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Not again."

"Yes, again," returned Helen, already starting to spurt down the hallway. "We'll talk later!"

"Helen, wait!" Katerina called after her, but Helen kept running. Suddenly, Katerina appeared by her side, startling Helen and causing her to skid to a halt.

"How did you-?" Helen began. "Never mind. Listen, I'd really love to talk to you right now, but my siblings need me."

"So let me help you, then."

"You - what?" Helen stared at Katerina in bewilderment. Her tutor looked more serious than ever, even more than she did during training when she told Helen to work on her swordplay.

"I'll come with you. I know your siblings like me."

"They do," Helen admitted. "But why would you want to help me?"

Katerina's lips curled into a smile. "Because I get to be near you."

"I-I," stammered Helen, her legs already turning into a gooey mass, threatening to give away under her. Katerina's incredibly blue eyes rested on Helen, which made the situation even harder to bear.

A cry cut through the silence, bouncing off the walls of the Institute, amplified.

"What is this?" Katerina called out over the noise, her hands pressed to her ears.

"Tavvy," Helen replied sharply, and ran off toward the source of the noise. Katerina followed her.

"He's such a little guy," Katerina pondered as she ran. Helen shrugged and continue spurting down the hallway. She flung open the door to Tavvy's room and found her brother Mark holding the little boy, whose face was red and tear-streaked.

Mark sighed at the sight of his sister. "Helen. By the Angel!"

"What happened?" Helen asked, reaching out for the boy. Mark handed him over willingly. Only now did Helen see the stains on his shirt, liquids of all kind that Helen didn't even want to question, and the long tear in the fabric along the side of his chest.

"What happened?" repeated Helen more firmly, swaying a crying Tavvy gently in her arms.

Mark lowered his head, blushing. "I'm really not that good with kids."

Despite everything, Helen smiled. Mark looked worse than after a day of training with a following demon hunt through Downtown L.A, and all this had been caused by a tiny, innocent boy, who now was snuggled up against Helen's chest.

"What's there to smile about?" asked Mark seriously, but the corner of his mouth was twitching into a smile, too. "Oh, whatever. I'll go check on the others. At least they are passed the age where they spit food at you."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Helen teased. "You know, Ty can be very challenging when it comes to food."

Mark shot her a glare. "I think I can handle it. But first I'll need a new shirt. Can you get Tavvy to Viviane once he's all...cleaned up?"

"Uh, sure," Helen replied hastily, and relaxed when Mark didn't pick up on her anxiety and simply left after waving at them goodbye. Helen turned to look at Katerina, who'd stood by silently.

"Why didn't you tell him?" asked Katerina. "Shouldn't he know?"

Tavvy gave a squeak in Helen's arms and she shifted him, caressing his rosy cheek with her finger. "I don't want them to worry," Helen explained. "And unless we're certain that this is something serious, I'd prefer to keep it a secret."

Her eyes darted to her tutor.

"I won't say a thing. Promise," said Katerina.

"Okay."

She walked over to the crib and lowered a now sleeping Tavvy into it. Looking at him, at his tiny chest heaving with breaths, she wondered what it was that calmed him down every time she picked him up. It had been the same with his siblings, and it made Helen think that maybe Viviane had been right. Maybe she'd make a great mother someday. She couldn't picture her life without children, and especially not without her siblings.

"How come it's okay for you to worry?"

Helen spun around to find Katerina standing inches behind her, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"What are you talking about?"

Katerina frowned. "You don't want your siblings to worry, but yet you worry. Ever since Tavvy's birth, all I see when I look at you is your brow wrinkled with concern. You deserve a break from this."

"A break? I don't need a break."

"Yes, you do," Katerina returned and moved to stand close to Helen. "Go on a date with me."

Helen would've responded, would've wanted to, but the air caught in her throat and made her choke. If it wouldn't have been for Tavvy sleeping in the crib right behind, she would've cried out, because in that very moment it seemed the only logical response. She wanted to cry, not because she was sad, but because she was confused, and the events of the last few months tore at her, threatening to rip her into pieces.

"Is that a yes?" Helen heard her tutor say. She deliberately avoided her gaze and kept staring at the floor instead.

"You look alarmingly pale. You're not going to throw up, are you?" Katerina sounded genuinely worried now, but Helen couldn't manage to look her in the eye. All she needed – and all she wanted – was a couple more minutes to progress what she'd just heard and to figure out how to cope with it. She'd wished for it to happen all along, so why hesitate now? It seemed to her a highly inappropriate time to make plans for a date. After all, Viviane was on her death bed and this was supposed to be her priority.

"Why now?" The words escaped Helen before she could even finish that last thought.

"Because," Katerina said, moving even closer. She reached for Helen's hand, cupping them in her own, and Helen shivered. "You seem like you could use some cheering up. Besides, I really want to get to know you outside this building. Away from all this."

Finally, Helen looked at her. Katerina's eyes were wide and expectant, and in them Helen could see her tutor's honest intentions.

"Maybe you're right about this," Helen ventured.

"Trust me. I'm right most of the times."

"But I don't think it's a good idea to leave my siblings. Not now."

Katerina nodded. "Now you're right. We should wait until Viviane's recovered from this…attack, and then we'll settle for a date. Okay?"

"I guess."

"Great." Katerina leaned in to plant a kiss on Helen's cheek. It was almost fleeting, but the act itself made Helen feel as if there was already a connection between them. She couldn't put her finger on that connection, couldn't tell what exactly it was, but it was definitely there, and it made Helen feel things she'd never felt before. She wondered if that was what it's like to be loved by someone else than your family, who, in some way, was obliged to love you. Maybe this was what it felt like when someone, whom you didn't already share a relationship with, loved you for the things you did or the things you said. And maybe it was far too soon to think Katerina was in love with her.

"Oh, there you are."

Helen spun around, startled by the voice, and was surprised to find her father standing in the door. What both appeased and frightened her was the calm look on Andrew's face. He somehow, for whatever reason, seemed very happy.

"What is it, Dad?" Helen asked, cautiously taking a step away from Katerina and hoping that the kiss hadn't left a mark on her cheek. Her eyes flickered to her tutor to check if she wore any lip gloss or such, and she was relieved when she didn't see any.

"Viviane. She's much better," her father said. "The Silent Brothers can't explain what happened or why it is that she's healed, but it seems like the worst is over."

"Mr. Blackthorn, that's amazing," Katerina blurted out before Helen could say anything.

"Yes, it is indeed," Andrew replied, smiling.

"I'm so glad she's okay," Helen said. "Can we see her now? She asked for Tavvy earlier."

Andrew nodded vehemently, his tangled brown curls flying about his face. "Yes, yes. You go ahead, I'll take Tavvy."

"Okay."

Helen glanced over her shoulder at her tutor.

"We'll continue our training tomorrow. It's fine," she said. "Mr. Blackthorn, if it's okay with you I'd like to take the rest of the day off. I assume my service is no longer required today."

"You may."

And Katerina left with a thank you and goodbye. Once she was gone, Helen walked over to her father and they hugged.

"It's going to be alright," he whispered in her ear, squeezing her tightly. All Helen did was nod, and when he released her from the embrace, she brushed a quick kiss to his cheek.

"See you downstairs."

On her way to the infirmary, she revisited the things that had already happened on that day. It was only midday, but all morning had been like an emotional rollercoaster. One thing that particularly stuck out to Helen was what Viviane had said earlier, about being able to tell it. What had she been referring to? Could it have been what Helen feared it would be? But Viviane was better now, and there was no reason for her to rack her brain over something that could've been. She'd have to concentrate on what actually was.

The following afternoon she spent with her family at Viviane's side, who, despite appearing to be a lot healthier, was constantly monitored by the Silent Brothers. Helen watched her younger siblings play and Viviane smile over their plays. Julian tried to cheer his mother up by drawing something, and once he'd finished his painting, the whole family had gathered around Viviane's bed and admired his work. Julian was very skilled, and already at this young age he was able to capture the beauty of the sea on a sheet of paper. Andrew had then offered to frame it and hang it up in their bedroom, so Viviane could look at it whenever she wanted to.

Later in the evening, Drusilla persisted on reading a story to Viviane, and even though she was more advanced with reading than others her age, it took her an entire half hour to read one page. Viviane, however, seemed to enjoy the story a lot, and she never asked her daughter to stop reading, not even when her eyes started to droop. Mark eventually took over the reading.

They all shared a family dinner later, but they had to do it in the infirmary since Viviane was still too weak to get up. But after the meal, Helen could see color returning to Viviane's face, and with flushed cheeks and with reclaimed energy she ventured a first attempt at getting up. Helen and Mark walked her down the hallway, but had to return after ten minutes. The short walk had exhausted Viviane, and the Silent Brothers ordered her back into bed.

When it was already dark outside, the Blackthorn family was still gathered in the infirmary. Both Ty and Drusilla had fallen asleep on the bed next to Viviane's and Livvy had a hard time not to. Eventually Mark and Helen carried their younger siblings upstairs and left their father alone with his wife. But before they did, Helen went over to Viviane, who was drifting off into sleep as well, and she leaned over her, whispering, "I love you."

Viviane didn't say anything in response, probably because she was too tired, but she did reach out for Helen's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

After that Helen and Mark left to put their siblings to bed.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" asked Mark, stopping outside his room.

Helen nodded. "You've seen her. She looks much better, and we even walked with her for a bit! All she needs now is time to recover."

"You sure?"

"Positive," Helen replied, and after hugging her brother, she went to her room. Despite the words of encouragement she'd said to her brother, she didn't sleep at all that night and instead she spent it pondering over them. She really wanted to believe what she'd said, but Viviane's condition had changed abruptly, and Helen wasn't sure she couldn't trust it. Her instinct told her not to.

In that night, where Helen didn't find any sleep, Viviane died.


	9. Chapter 9 - The Turning Point

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews, Rennie. I was happy to see that you're taking such an interest in my story! So, let me explain a few things. I deliberately decided not to mention the cause of Viviane's condition, mainly because I'm really terrible with medical terms. Also, I felt like this wasn't a necessary detail. She's been sick before, when she gave birth to Drusilla, which happens to more women than we might think. Of course it's more of a thing from the past, but it still happens in the present. I always imagined Viviane as a fragile person with a terrible weak body for a Shadowhunter. I didn't want to bring her into connection with any specific disease. I hope that makes at least some sense!**

**As for Mark - who wouldn't have a thing for Katerina? I mean, she's gorgeous and he's a teenage boy, so of course he also roots for his tutor. **

**Katerina asking Helen on a date in exactly that moment might seem a bit rushed, but this is not an every day situation. Katerina knows that Viviane is not getting better and she desperately tries to think of a way how to cheer up Helen. I hope that answered some of your questions, and I'm happy to answer some more if you ever feel like it again! **

**Megan, thank you for your support! You've become a very loyal reader and I'm glad there's someone out there shipping Heline the way I do :)**

**A/N: This chapter has been written without a beta. I apologize for any mistakes! **

**A/N: I might also have to mention at this point that the next update probably won't be before the end of April. I've got classes and work and I also picked up another project, so please bear with me. There will be updates and I try to have them once a month!**

* * *

The first rays of sunshine were creeping into the Institute, when Helen was already up and about, cleaning, dusting, doing laundry – simply following her everyday chores. By the time she had scrubbed every tile in every bathroom on the first floor and had moved on to the kitchen, the first sounds of footsteps carried through the hallway. Just as she was about to bent down and wipe one of the kitchen cabinets, one of her siblings appeared in the doorway.

"What are you doing up this early?" Julian asked, rubbing his tired eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. Helen got to her feet, removing her gloves.

"Do you want to hear the truth?"

Jules nodded. "Of course! I always want to know the truth."

Helen lowered her gaze, staring at her sore hands, covered with bruises and scratches from the extensive cleaning. She doubted that the Institute had ever looked cleaner.

"Come on, tell me," Julian urged. Helen's eyes flickered up and met with her brother's, beautiful blue-green eyes filled with all the sadness of the world. She used to see the stormy sea when she looked into those eyes, but now they were blank and, if anything, resembled a dull afternoon sky. She let her gaze wander, from his face down his chest and to his arms, where she noticed spots of dried watercolor and crayon. Reaching out for one of his hands, which was just as dirty as his arms, she said, "You've been painting again."

She didn't expect an answer; it had been a simple, but sad observation.

Julian flinched, withdrawing his hand from Helen's grip and hiding it in the pocket of his pants.

"And? It's not a big deal."

Helen gave a sigh. It's all she could do to release the heavy weight that was on her chest, but it was only a momentary relief. The emotions – especially the pain – came rushing back the moment she drew in another breath.

"I couldn't sleep," Helen said. "That's why I've been up so early."

Julian avoided her gaze, his hands still deeply buried in his pockets. "Me neither," he mumbled.

An urge told Helen to pull her brother into her arms, to hold him as tightly as possible, and part of her wasn't sure if she wanted it to make him or herself feel better, to help keep together the pieces that were threatening to fall apart - but she refrained from it. So they just stood, both staring at the freshly wiped floor, and listened to the constant whooshing sound of the ocean. In those past few weeks it had proved to be the only thing to keep Helen calm, and the beach had been Helen's place of refuge, where she could escape the grief.

After what felt like an eternity, Helen broke the silence. "I'll go check if any of the kids are awake. Would you mind starting to prepare breakfast?"

"Of course not. Same as always?"

"Same as always," Helen replied, and eventually she gave in to her urge and pulled her brother in for a quick hug. "Be right back."

What followed was the same monotonous morning that it had been since the funeral; it consisted of waking up her siblings, getting them dressed, force them to eat some breakfast, even though neither of them were hungry, and, ultimately, orderthem to go outside and enjoy yet another ridiculouslybeautiful day.

Today was not an exception, and so Helen wasn't surprised when everything happened exactly the way it had for the past time. The kids were just as quiet as always, and Tavvy, who'd hardlyslept since the day his mother passed away, kept crying all throughout breakfast. Nothing had helped, and by the end of breakfast, Helen was desperate and close to tears as well. She was more than relieved when Mark appeared at her site, just when she was about to cry out loud.

"Should I take him for a sec?" he offered. "He probably won't stop crying, but it will at least give you a chance to change."

"No, I'm fine," Helen said, shifting Tavvy once more in her arms. His eyes were already red from crying and his cheeks flaming hot. "Wait - what?"

Mark shrugged. "You're kind of dirty. Didn't you notice?"

Holding Tavvy away from her a few inches, she glanced down and found her shirt spotted with all kinds of liquid. One of them definitely looked like something Tavvy had thrown up, and she hadn't even noticedit.

"Oh, by the Angel. Tavvy!"

The little boy suddenly stopped whiningand blinked at his sister with huge, glassy eyes. Seconds later, he picked up the crying again.

Mark was still waiting for a response. Helen nodded.

"Fine. Take him and I'll go change."

The moment Mark had taken the boy from Helen's arms, she felt someone tug at her sleeve. She looked down to find a terrified Drusilla.

"Everything alright, Silla?" Helen asked as calmly as she could, but she didn't know if she could handle another situation. Mark was already gone with Tavvy and Julian had left the breakfast early. Helen hadn't wanted him to leave, but had known better not to hold him back.

"It's Ty. H-He's-" Drusilla stopped speaking, interrupted by an anguished cry. Helen spun around, and gasped.

Ty was sitting on the kitchen floor, a knife at his feet, and a long gash running down his leg. Livia bent over the wound, screaming. Helen moved swiftly, shoving back Drusilla and moving closer to the twins. She quickly grabbed a dish towel, which she now pressed onto Ty's wound.

"What happened?" Helen inquired, her eyes focused on Livvy while she held the cloth to Ty's leg. She barely heard Livia's answer over the terrible noises escaping Ty's throat.

"I-I don't know," she stammered. "I guess he wanted some more bread and there was nobody to slice it up for him. He must've dropped the knife"

„Oh, no," Helen whispered, casting her mind back to a day, long before her first runing, when she still had to take care of wounds like a mundane, with gauzes and Band-Aid's. One day she'd hurt herself with a butter knife and Viviane had shown her how to dress a wound. Helen remembered that moment very vividly, when Viviane had explained that the most important thing was to clean the wound.

„Livvy, I need you to hold this," Helen said, taking one of Livvy's hand and placing it on the towel instead of hers. Livvy didn't even object, and quietly watched Helen as she got to her feet and walked round the kitchen counter to retrieve a bottle from the top shelf. A few months earlier Helen would've been too small to reach that shelf.

She grabbed a bottle of liquor, some kind of schnapps as displayed on the etiquette, and trickled a few drops onto a paper towel.

„This is going to hurt a little." She went down on her knees and beckoned Livia to remove the cloth. Underneath the cut was glowing red.

„Are you ready?" she asked Ty, who shut his eyes and nodded. Helen was surprised by his bravery, which quavered for the first second that she pressed the tissue with the liquor to his wound and he cried out. But then he fell silent again, and even though tears were welling from his eyes, he remained quiet.

Helen lifted the paper towel from the wound and now, freshly cleaned and the blood wiped away, it looked less severe. She was relieved to see that it wasn't as deep as she had expected before.

„You're going to be just fine." Helen smiled, brushing Ty's arm with her hand. He even let her. „We'll need to get you a bandage. Livvy, keep holding this to his wound, will you?"

Again Livia nodded and did as advised. Drusilla, who'd stood by, watching with a paled face, now went to get her brother a glass of water.

Helen sprinted downstairs to the infirmary where she retrieved some bandages. She returned back upstairs, and once she was done with Ty's leg and the kids were busy playing in the living room, her brother Mark reappeared in the kitchen.

„Tavvy's asleep," he said.

„Perfect. Listen, have you seen Dad?"

Mark stopped picking up toys the children had left lying around and turned to look at Helen. „Actually, I haven't seen him in days. Should we -?"

„Go look for him?" Helen finished, stooping down to collect a teddy bear and throw it back into its box.

Mark shrugged. „I feel like we shouldn't bother him."  
„I know. Me too," Helen said. „But what if something has happened?"

There was no need for a response; Mark's expression gave it away, his eyes wide with acute anxiety.

Helen nodded. "I'll go check on him."

And again on that day Helen hurried down the stairs of the Institute. She did that a lot lately; when she moved, it wasn't slow and cautious as it used to be, but rather quick and with a jerk. She was constantly on the move, cleaning up after her siblings or preparing their meals, and althoughshe enjoyed spending time with the kids, it wasn't the kind of movement she liked. The prospect of training seemed endearing, but they had to cancel it the day after Viviane's passing for an indefinite period. This also meant that Helen got to see Katerina very rarely, when she came over to visit, and those visits usually were quiet short and tense. In this time where Helen yearned for a shoulder to lean on, Katerina was more distant than ever.

After years of growing up in the Institute, Helen knew it by heart and, without looking up even once, she made her way downstairs to her father's office. As she drew nearer, she glanced up and came to an unexpected stop. The door to his study was closed, which only happened when Council members were present, and Helen knew most certainly that this wasn't the case. At least, her father hadn't mentioned anything.

She approached the door tentatively, her feet moving cautiously as to not make any noises. She pressed her ear against the wood, listening for voices chatting inside, but there was nothing. It was eerily quiet. Almost too quiet.

_Could he be out of the house?_ Helen wondered, already contemplating about going back upstairs and checking both the living room and his bedroom, when a noise from within caught her attention. It was barely audible and Helen had to move even closer, pressing half of her face to the door, to hear it more clearly. When it came again, Helen had no more doubt of what it was. Her father was crying.

Without hesitation Helen pushed the door open. Her father, having sat at the desk in a heap, gave a jolt and his sobs momentarily stopped to be replaced by a yelp of surprise.

"H-Helen." His buffy red eyes widened at her sight.

Helen stood on the threshold, overwhelmed by what she saw. Her father was nothing more than a corpse; thin arms protruding from a sweat stained shirt; bloodshot eyes sunken in their sockets on a face the color of parchment; brown curls once shiny now covered with grease.

The only source of light was a single ray of sunshine finding its way through a gap in the drapes, illuminating her father's slouchedfigure. He was trembling all over, propping himself with one elbow as he stood behind his desk, his eyes flickeringtoward Helen and away again, repeatedly.

Helen stepped inside, quickly pulling the door shut behind her.

"Dad," she whispered. As she passed the threshold, an awful smell hit her nostrils, like something rotten, and she crinkled her nose in disgust, restraining the urge to throw up.

"I might've forgotten over my sandwich the other day," her father said, lowering back into his chair. He ran a hand through his tangled curls, shutting his eyes. Every single movement seemed to strainhim and he let out a deep sigh.

"How long have you been in here? We've been missing you." A faint tone of reproachlaced her voice.

"I-I don't know." Andrew sat back in his chair, folding his hands in his lap. "Two days maybe. I've been taking care of these."

He gestured toward a huge pile of folders, haphazardly spread out on his desk. Each of them was showing a symbol on the front page, made up of four large C's. Helen recognized it immediately as the Clave's insignia and knew that these had to be unresolved demon attacks. As she stepped closer, gazing upon the mess of folders, a terrible thought occurred to her. What if these were all attacks that had happened during the last few weeks? If her father, as the head of the Los Angeles Institute, hadn't taken care of those incidents, than no one had. Which left the city unprotected and the mundanes in severe danger.

"Dad, are these old folders?" Helen asked, reaching out for one of them.

Her father gave a whimpering sound. "I wish I could say yes."

Helen flipped open the folder she was holding and scanned the first few lines. It was dated last Saturday. She grabbed a second folder which had come in two days ago. The third one she picked up was from today.

"Why haven't you told them?" She dropped the folders back on top of the pile. "If you'd asked for help, they would've sent some. There are enough Nephilim in Idris to assist as, and you know that."

Her eyes darted to her father, and despite the painful expression on his face, Helen felt a burst of anger surging up her body. How could he neglect his family and his duty?

Tears started to well up in Andrew's eyes. "I thought I could handle it. I guess I was wrong."

"You don't have to do this alone." Helen tried to speak softer now. She came round the desk and went to her knees in front of her father, taking his hand. It was ice-cold.

"I don't want to drag you into this. You've got enough on your plate already." Andrew had his eyes closed again, the skin on his face turning a sickly greenish color.

"Please, let me help you," Helen begged, clasping her father's hand. "I can do this. Mark can look after the children, and I can ask Katerina to go into the city with me."

"No, Helen." Andrew pulled his hand out of Helen's grip and brought it up to his face, covering it. Silent sobs filled the air, and Andrew began to shake. "I-I don't want you to do this."

"Dad, you need help," Helen pushed. "_We _need help."

The only response was another wave of sobs and cries from her father. He was trembling terribly, as if it was freezing, when in fact the air was thick and heavy with heat. Helen suddenly felt suffocated by it and got to her feet to open one of the windows. Andrew flinched when the first sunbeam flooded the room, followed by the refreshing, salty scent of the ocean.

"Do you want me to call the Clave?" Helen offered.

Andrew peeked at her daughter through his fingers. "It'd be a relief if you could do that."

Helen nodded, inhaling deeply as the wind picked up, bringing in another blastof fresh air.

"And in the meantime you need to take a shower and eat. Can you promise me that you'll do that?"

She crossed her arms in front of her chest, almost staring down her father, daring him to answer with anything other than yes.

"I promise." He reached for a tissue on his desk and wiped his face with it. "And you should call Katerina after you've talked to the Consul. There is something that I need you to take care of still today."

His eyes flickered toward a folder sitting atop of the others.

"I'll make sure of it. Don't worry," Helen answered, grabbing the appointed folder and clamping it under her arm."And you go get upstairs."

Before she left, she went over to press a kiss to her father's cheek. He gave her a weak smile, waving at her as she walked away.

* * *

She immediately called the Consul, who didn't seem surprised about what she told him and said he would call back in ten minutes. Afterwards she rang Katerina, who agreed to come over to the Institute as soon as possible. By the time she arrived, Helen had already had her second conversation with the Consul, in which heinformed her that reinforcement would arrive the next day, and was waiting for Katerina in the lobby, dressed in gear and ready to go.

"Are you okay?" Katerina asked, walking up to Helen. The hilt of a seraph blade was protruding over the curve of her shoulder and Helen could make out about a dozen of short daggers sticking to her gear.

"Never been better." Helen managed to fake a smile, shouldering her quiver.

Katerina glanced down at the bow in Helen's hands.

"You're sure about this?"

Helen shrugged. "You said it yourself. It's the perfect weapon for me. Now, let's go!"

She took a step forward, but was stopped by Katerina stepping up in front of her. Her brow was wrinkled with concern and her blue eyes rested on Helen, looking at her the same way everyone had since Viviane's death. As if she was as fragile and delicate as porcelain and needed to be treated accordingly.

„I said I'm fine," Helen snapped, putting as much emphasis on the last syllable as possible. She took another step, but again Katerina blocked her way.

„You're not okay. How could you?" She reached out with one hand, but Helen swat it away.

She tightened her grip on the bow and with one swift move, she darted past Katerina, sprinting towards the doors.

„I'm not doing this," she called back over her shoulder.

She was done talking about it. And she was done thinking about it, because no matter how many times she revisited Viviane's last day, she'd always end up with the same conclusion. That Viviane had known, that she had felt her ending drawing upon her, and Helen had ignored it. If she would've told her father that, despite having looked a lot healthier, Viviane had felt worse than ever, she might've been able to save her. If – a nagging word that constantly found its way into Helen's consciousness.

„You know you can talk to me. About everything." It was Katerina's voice again and it had sounded as from a distance. She hadn't followed her.

Helen pushed open one side of the two-winged door leading outside and let it fall shut behind her with a thump. A wave of fresh, salty air drifting up from the ocean immediately lifted her mood, and she stopped for a second to appreciate the warmth of the sun on her face and the sound of birds chirping.

„Helen, wait!"

And gone was the moment of peace. She spun around to her tutor.

„I didn't want to upset you. I just want you do know that if you ever feel the need to talk." She faltered, her eyes flickering from Helen to her feet and back up again. „I'm here to listen."

Somehow the statement made Helen laugh. It wasn't a genuine, happy laugh, but more like a scornful chuckle. She didn't know where it was coming from, but it was already out before she could stop it.

Katerina flinched, taking a step back. „What's so funny?"

Again Helen chuckled.

„You're here to listen?" she repeated, still giggling like a stupid teenager.

„Helen, you're scaring me."

Katerina staggered back, stumbling and falling down onto the front steps of the Institute. She cursed when her elbow made contact with the concrete.

All of sudden, Helen's laughter ceased. Maybe it was caused by the hurt look on Katerina's face or maybe it was the realization that she was losing it that hit her. She slumped down next to her tutor, her face buried in her hands.

„I'm so sorry," she mumbled between her fingers. „It's just... You weren't here. Not when I needed you."

She glanced up at her tutor, who avoided her gaze.

„I didn't think it was my right to be here. At the funeral, your father told me not to come anymore. That he no longer needed me to train you, because you wouldn't be able to make it to the training."

Helen sucked in a huge breath, but she still felt like she was being suffocated. The fresh wave of air from before had completely vanished and had been replaced by the awful stench of exhaust gases from the cars passing by the Institute.

"Helen, I-" Katerina stopped, staring down at her feet.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it," Helen said hastily before Katerina could pick up again. She scrambled to her feet, adjusting her bow. "Somewhere out there is a bunch of demons waiting to get their ass kicked and I want to be the one doing the ass kicking. That's what I need right now. I don't need to talk, because everything has been said already. Do you think you can to that? For me?"

Katerina gazed up at Helen from under her long lashes, and there were so many things Helen could see in her tutor's eyes. She was worried and sad, and probably frustrated, but underneath it all she was happy to finally be with Helen. A faint smile curled the corners of her mouth.

"Alright then. Let's go and show these demons that they are messing with the wrong people."

She jumped up, excitement blazing up in her eyes like a burst of flames, and reached for Helen's hand. The half-faerie took it and together they headed toward the main road, Helen barely able to contain the thrill surging through her body.


End file.
